The Cheating Curve

By Marian Trinidad




He was living a 'double life'— double breakfasts, dinners, and Sunday masses. The first would be with his girlfriend, and the second, with his wife, and their children, not necessarily in that order
You know how it happens. From a friend, a coworker, or your own life. You change your routine. You become busy with matters outside the home. You hardly spend time with your family. They easily bug you, and you blow up at the most trivial things. You make amends. But weeks later, you're back to telling one lie after another.

Why it starts

Roman*, a 45-year-old consultant, and his girlfriend were inseparable—breakfast, dinners, business and travels. They were together everyday, before and after office hours, and weekends, too. No doubt, he was happily in love for the first time in his life. But as Roman puts it, he was living a ‘double life'—double breakfasts, dinners, and Sunday masses. The first would be with his girlfriend, and the second, with his wife, Ellen* and their children, not necessarily in that order.

He is not the typical womanizer; neither does he go for casual sex. But when he met the other woman at the office, Roman says he suddenly could not stop thinking about her. Before he knew it, he was ready to leave his family to start a new one.

Psychologist and psychiatrist Randy Dellosa, MD says that while society speaks ill of infidelity, cheating is "popularly accepted as normal and even expected behavior of men" in the Philippines. A McCann-Erickson survey of 485 men in Metro Manila reveals half of the respondents admitting to an affair at one point in time.

Infidelity, according to Dr. Dellosa, occurs when there is a violation of couple's contract to be intimate and exclusive partners. The contract, formal or not, "defines the parameters by which each partner is to express intimacy outside of the relationship," he points out. It also comes in many forms, like flirting, cybersex, emotional affairs, correspondence through e-mail or SMS, and sexual relations.

Dr. Dellosa, Life Transformation founder and renowned life coach, explains that cheating happens when any of the main ingredients of a relationship—passion, commitment and intimacy—are found to be wanting. In Roman's case, he confesses, "She (the other woman) showered me with attention and care all the time as I did her."

Patricia*, 34, a wife whose husband, Tony* had an affair with a close family friend, describes the other woman as sweet and thoughtful. "What do you expect? She is the other woman, so she had to prove to my husband that she is better than me in many ways," says Patricia. "And yes, even in bed."

WHAT YOU DO

A study on "The Filipino Context of Infidelity and Resilience," conducted by the Ateneo de Manila's Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM) coordinator Ted Gonzales, SJ, describes cheating as a gender issue so well entrenched in the Pinoy culture. Traditionally, most sons were raised to believe that a man could have sex outside of marriage (and be forgiven), but never the woman.

Guys are more interested in masculine activities that exclude his family, like finding work, while passing on parenting duties to his female partner, according to the study. It has been impressed that failed family relations is a woman's failure alone, and not shared by the erring husband. When caught, a guy rationalizes the deed by trumpeting his responsibility as breadwinner. So long as your job puts food on the table and sends the kids to school, she shouldn't complain.

Gonzales also points to the external environment as a compelling factor, like the trend towards the rising number of female migrant workers that has left many Filipino families "without wives, mothers, daughters and sisters." House husbands surveyed in his study answer "loneliness, infidelity and losses" as consequences.

The study also refers to a report on The Economist that it has become increasingly uncommon among these migrant Filipinas "whose husbands have not taken a mistress, or even fathered other children."

Business practices also contribute to infidelity, according to Gonzales, especially when "business deals are discussed and clinched." In addition, marital dissatisfaction resulting from past and present experiences is significant. Guys who cheat claim to want to recapture youth, seek out emotional comfort in numbers, and crave relationships without the responsibility.

Consequently, women rank infidelity as the number-one stressor in a relationship, and when left unsettled often leads to its breakup.

HOW SHE DEALS

Dr. Dellosa explains that cheating involves elements of boundary violations, deception and denial. He reveals that most women consult him because they felt betrayed by their partners. "Initially upon discovery of the betrayal, the betrayed partner experiences an overwhelming mix of shock, anger, disillusionment and grief," he explains. The betrayed partner "feels an overwhelming sense of rejection, with the doubt that she has been ugly, inadequate or incompetent partner."

Patricia admits having been physically and emotionally affected by her husband's cheating. She'd find text messages from the other woman on his cellphone, asking what he had for lunch or dinner, what he's up to, and where he's going. Patricia was even more riled by the discovery that he's been spending most of his free time with her. "I was beginning to get really angry and I began losing sleep," she says.

Aside from the emotional anguish, Dr. Dellosa adds that the betrayed partner is usually confused whether to continue or call it quits as a couple.

Patricia fit the profile. She had often packed Tony's stuff then changed her mind about sending him away. When he finally left, ironically, she was better in his absence. "I discovered that I am tough. My kids are my priorities and my own personal happiness is not, or was not, dependent in having man around me or in my life," she adds.

But not every woman handles it Patricia's way. Roman's wife, Ellen, for one, wasn't ready to handle his infidelity. When he was hospitalized, she balked upon seeing the other woman by his bedside. Ellen's growing depression led her to seek a psychiatrist's help.

After the confrontation with his wife, Roman recalls their later conversations as civil. "But it was interrupted by sobs and tears," he says. "I have never seen my wife so hurt in all my years with her."

Fortunately, there are several coping measures that women adapt—from friends, family, religion, counseling, work, education to self-improvement. "She starts to listen. She looks neat. She streaks her hair. She uses makeup. She tries skirts and stockings. She tries a bust lift. She learns to drive. She returns to school. She starts a small cottage industry. She takes a trip to Europe. She goes to Church," the study shares.

HOW WE HEAL

Dr. Dellosa points out that relationships may never be the same after an infidelity. But he stresses that while emotional healing may be challenging, it is possible. He enumerates these steps:

Owe up to your offense

Don't find fault in her, your job, or other external excuses to latch on. You made a mistake, move on and figure out how to rectify the situation.

Empathize with her emotions

She'll give you a hard time for quite a while. Suck it up. Listen to what she has to say. Take her out like you used to—she'll appreciate the effort.

Show remorse

Suggest and show up at marriage counseling. Express your regret shamelessly, but sincerely. Be as humbled as you were when you first courted her.

Commit to change

Consult a psychiatrist, see your parish priest, or join a spiritual group for guidance. You've likely steer cleared from these activities in your past, but they're concrete and positive actions to take.

Cut off contact with the other woman

Erase her on your phonebook, quit your job if you must, to avoid her with certainty. Now that you really do have free time, use it with your family.

Both Roman and Patricia have returned to relationships that survived an affair. You can aspire for similar success at second chances, but you have to work at it. For Patricia, she appreciates her partner's efforts to woo and win her back. But she's also gained a more realistic perspective. "It's not about having monthsaries but things that are doable," she says. "What's important is that they're lasting."

Asked if Roman still sees himself straying in the future, he considers it a question of one's willingness to inflict the same pain on your family and yourself, all over again. "I don't think it's worth the hurt," he says.