Weighed down

A girl calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant’s weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first. “Oh, that won’t work,” replies the girl. “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt.”

Best friends with benefits

James is my best friend since college and we’ve been sharing an apartment since. He is cool and nice and we’ve had some steamy encounters together so let us say we’re best friends with benefits. Then I met Christian and we started dating. He is as cool and as wild as James. The three of us became inseparable. One time while watching porn Christian and I started making out in front of James and then James eventually joined us. For some time it became a regular thing between the three of us. Then came Marie, James’ new girlfriend who happened to be my batchmate in high school. The group eventually grew into a foursome and sometimes when the boys are out Marie and I experimented with each other. Now Marie and I are conspiring to have the boys experiment with each other, too! It’s great to have a relationship and friendship all in one package sharing one common passion—sex.

Bus ride to sweet heaven

To pass traffic time on the bus, my boyfriend and I exchanged jokes when he accidentally brushed me in a sensual way. With the touch of his hand, I was immediately turned on. I asked him to work his fingers in me. He started slow, but already I was moaning. When he reached from below, I was so wet and hot because it was the first time we’d done such a thing in public, on a bus!

As I was having my second orgasm, the conductor approached us and asked where we were headed. With one hand in my pussy, my boyfriend answered. He removed his other hand to grab his wallet and pay our fare. Noticing that the paper bills were sticky, the conductor said, “Biyaheng langit, ah!” He left us with a smirk on his face. 

Woot-woot!

The nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time this happens, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,”said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?” 

Older woman drives kid wild

I’m 26 but I always enjoy flirting with high school boys, as I know they can’t resist my charm and the thought of banging an “older” woman like myself. One time, I was waiting for my “friend” in a coffee shop in Katipunan. It was supposedly his 18th birthday so I promised to give him something special. He was really cute—mestizo, toned body for a boy, plus his uniform made him look yummier. He drove me to my house in Pasig and on the way there, I caressed his inner thigh, making his leg and everything else stiffen. Once we reached Libis, I pulled his zipper and bent down to suck his young, hard dick. I told him not to stop driving as I proceeded to lick his balls all the way up the length of his dick, as his right hand blindly pleasured my nipples. He moaned loudly and when he came in my mouth, I sat up to see that we were about to enter a drive-in motel! “Kaya mo pa ba?” I teased him. What followed were three incredibly unforgettable wild rounds. Not bad for my kid brother’s kabarkada. 

International Playgirl

I visited my partner who lived abroad, you might think I’m the ultra-liberal type because I have a foreigner boyfriend—but no, I consider myself shy when it comes to sex. But that all changed on my first evening in his turf. One night we were on our way to a restaurant for dinner, a good 30-minute drive from his place. But that night’s traffic was rather heavy. To pass time, my partner slyly suggested we do something. He then began to slowly run his hand up my knee, until he reached my silk panties. He pulled aside the thin piece of material that separated his fingers from my already swollen clitoris. Starting slowly, he then finger-fucked me faster and faster. All this time we were not moving and although I was very aroused I still noticed the strange looks we were getting from the other’s stuck on traffic (we were quite conspicuous—he drives a Hummer!).But the thought of being seen aroused me even more, so when my partner told me to take off my panties I did it eagerly. Both my feet were now on the seat with legs wide open, I remember thrusting and heaving my body to my partner’s continual deep-fingered penetrations until I couldn’t hold on any longer. With one foot now on the windscreen I screamed with passion as I came; I didn’t care if I could be seen or heard. A week later I repaid him on the way home, only this time using my mouth. 

Chick ends lad�s 20-year-drought

I managed to get close to a former schoolmate through texting. We’d exchange mushy stuff, but he would also send me nasty messages each time he got drunk—and that’s how I found out he was a 20-year-old virgin, or at least claimed he was. The thought of him being an ignoramus on sex made me hatch a plan to, well, pop his milk carton. One day, I insisted on hanging out at his apartment (he was alone). With the two of us locked up in his room, I sensed that he really was telling the truth about his virginity since he didn’t look to be making any first moves. I made a joke about pinching his dick and, sensing that he was getting the signal, gave him a lingering kiss. I went on top of him and asked if he wanted a blowjob. He said yes. I gave the best head I could for as long as I could. After it, he asked me—how cute when he said it!—“Ano na gagawin ko? Di ko alam gagawin ko…” What a virgin! Too bad I was on “red alert” status so we couldn’t go all the way. So as not to spoil his fun, I gave him yet another super blowjob. It took me only three minutes to pop his load on me. Later, he said it was the best birthday gift he had ever received—turned out it was his birthday the next day. We’re looking forward to the post-birthday nookie. 

She's Cuckoo

A woman went on a girls' night out, promising her husband she'd be home by midnight. The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she went home. Just as she got in the door, their clock started up and cuckooed three times. 

Realizing her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.

The next morning the husband asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem pissed at all, which made the wife think she got away clean. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted." 

Shock attack

I used to sneak inside my ex's house thrice a week for our extra "bonding" sessions. We did this for over a year and never got caught by her folks. That was until one time when we changed the time of my visits. I went to her house at 10am rather than 9p.m.. The thing was, after doing the deed in her room; we fell asleep.

I remember waking up to the sounds of keys unlocking the door. It was her mom! So we hurriedly put on our clothes before her mom could barge on us. She was shouting, demanding that her daughter open the door. My girlfriend tried to stall, saying that she was in the shower, naked. It was incredible that she put her clothes so fast just so she could stop the door from opening while I looked for a place to hide. Her mom eventually overpowered her and got in. She saw me going up the cabinet doors in my boxers.

It was an awful sight. All I could only say was, "Hi tita, good afternoon po!" That was the end of our relationship. 

Top of the world!

My mates and I were drinking at a friend’s place—a three-storey house with no other people but ourselves. There were five of us, all guys. So when the alcohol-meter reached its peak, my friends and I got crazy and picked up two hookers from nearby. We did a first in our barkada history: an orgy! And so the five-on-two assault began. One of our friends, who reed thin, literally surprised all of us with his big bird! Not that we’re gay or anything, but the funny thing was, it might well be the fattest part of his body!So the sex/laugh trip went on. And for some unexplained reason, my own “bird” did not get “angry” because of all the laughter that the situation had brought upon us! That was one of the most memorable experiences of our lives.

Trying to fit in

A man goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. At the counter, the female pharmacist asks him what his size is. The man is amazed that condoms come in sizes and answers, “I don’t know my size. Will you help me?” The woman asks the man to go at the back of the pharmacy in the sofa. The woman lies down on the sofa as the man, confused at the situation, takes off his shorts and inserts his penis in the woman’s pussy. “Size B,” the woman answers. “Okay, take it out. How many condoms would you like?” The man asks for two and goes home. Feeling ecstatic over what just happened, he tells the good news to his friend. His friend could not believe so he goes to the pharmacy to try it out himself.The friend tells the female pharmacist that he does not know what his size is, so she assists him to the back of the pharmacy and asks him to insert his penis in her pussy. “Size C, okay?” the woman says. “Now take it out.” The man refuses to take it out, and instead fucks the woman until he comes. The woman then asks, “Wait, wait, how many are you buying?” “I’m not buying one,” says the man. “I just came in for fitting.”

No escape

An 18-year-old girl went to see her mom to tell her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit. The test results show that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing and crying all at the same time, the mother ask, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, and a mature, distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her three stores, two townhouses, a beach villa, and a P1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a P1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, I will leave a factory and P500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage...” At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him: “You’ll sleep with her again!”

Choir boy�s �mic� fails at sound check

It was the birthday of my sexy choir mate. I love being with her because she’s cute and cuddly. Plus, she always gives me a friendly hug! So I came to her place and we had a drinking session with her friends. We played naughty games—kissing games and the like. It so happened she lost a round and had to kiss me…torridly. I didn’t give a response because I felt shy. But when she held my hand secretly to her friends, I touched and caressed her back and nape, then pulled the strap of her bra. Midnight came and her friends had to go. We started kissing like there’s no tomorrow.I played with her breasts and gave her my very first suck. In spite of all this, my cock didn’t seem to respond. The most nerve-racking part was when she requested me to go inside her. Still my Pedro wouldn’t wake! She giving me another head proved useless. A hand job and still of no avail. “Itago mo na lang yan, ayaw nang tumayo eh,” she said after a number of failed attempts. She was so disappointed and I was so embarrassed. And to think it was supposed to be my first time!

Surreal grandma

I went to the Makati branch of the Comelec to register as a voter last year. At the line, an elderly woman came up to me and asked, “Paano ba makakakuha ng number?” I told her she was too late; the Comelec guys gave out numbers in the morning. She shrugged and walked away. About 15 minutes later she was back at my side. She looked at me strangely and, to my absolute horror, took my right arm, embraced it, and started kissing it! I’m not bullshitting you guys—she was kissing my arm! Then she said, “Inaantok ako, gusto kong matulog kasama ka.” What?!! I don’t know if the lady was a freak but she spooked the hell out of me. I tried to push her away but I reserved a bit of respect for the lady even though she was out of control. Then a Comelec officer came for the lady. “Lola, ikaw na naman?! Kahapon, siningitan mo yung dalawang babae, tapos ni-reyp mo yung braso nya! Ang tindi mo lola!” Apparently maniac lola was a regular attraction in the area and I was one of her victims. 

Girl Does Homework With Lady Prof!

I’m a college teacher at a known university here in Bicol. I got close to a female student, who I’d jokingly call “bhaby,” and we often have a drinking session at my house. I’m married, but my husband was not around most of the time that he didn’t notice I was feeling something different toward my student. One time at school, during break, I began to feel horny toward my “bhaby” that I asked her to go home with me. I knew she had an idea of what I wanted to happen. So off we went to my house and drank shots of brandy. We soon lost control—I undressed her in our living room and kissed her breasts.We were so into the act that we didn’t notice my husband come home early. We were caught in the act, both totally naked! My husband was initially speechless, but next thing I knew he began to take off his clothes. I feared that he might do something violent, but none of that happened. Instead, my “bhaby,” my husband and I all had a happy ending. 

Dial m-e for o-r-g-y

At our high school reunion, my best friend and I were surprised to see that some guys from older batches still looked hot. Eventually, we found ourselves sharing tables with three of them. Since it was a Saturday night, we all decided to leave the reunion and go out instead. I knew at least one of them was into me because he kept on touching me. My best friend got so drunk she had to be driven home. When the guys asked me if I had to go home, I said I didn’t want to go home yet. I knew something wild was going to happen when one of the cute men dared me to kiss him. Naturally, I didn’t back away from the dare. I even went as far as kissing all three of them. We ended up in a motel in Sta. Mesa. That was my first orgy experience and it was so tiring! One of them, the guy who caught my best friend’s eye, even taught me how to do the right blow-job. After that, whenever they’re on a gimmick they’d always text me. 

Knock, knock

My boyfriend drove me home one Saturday night. When we arrived at our place it was really dark, the lights were out. My parents slept in the room nearest the main door, so knowing they were already sleeping I knocked and called out to them. They didn’t seem to be stirring and as I went on calling, my boyfriend started to play with my boobies. He squeezed and bit my nipples through my bra. He then slid his fingers inside my panties and started to play with my clit. It really turned me on, him finger-fucking me while sucking my nipples. It was really great! I couldn’t help moaning but I tried to control it so that my parents wouldn’t hear. I was still knocking on the door while the whole thing was going on. And just when I was about to come, the lights turned on and the door opened, my father standing before us. My boyfriend and I were so shocked! Seeing what we were doing my father suddenly grabbed his chest and began to moan himself. He had a heart attack! We rushed him to the hospital. I was so confused at that time. Thank God my father regained consciousness. We apologized while my parents decided to talk to my boyfriend’s family. We are now very busy, preparing for our wedding. 

Wipeout

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: “Use more soap on panties!” She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: “Use more soap on panties!” The laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: “I use plenty soap on panties!!! Use more paper on ass!!!” 

Office hottie ups one on Professional courtesy

This really hot officemate of mine was kind enough to accompany me to get a ride home after a night-out with friends. In my haste to catch the FX, I forgot to thank him, so early next morning, I went to his room to say thank you. While mumbling my thanks, I couldn’t help but notice how gorgeous he was in his Armani shirt. I also couldn’t help but notice that all the rooms beside his were still unlit and unoccupied. It was way too early for anyone to arrive. And then it happened. His hands were all over me; mine were all over him. Our lips met. His tongue felt so good. And when I groped my way inside his pants and felt his hard cock, I just had the urge to kneel and suck his manhood. It was so hard I could’ve sucked some more and would’ve welcomed it had he wanted to shoot his load in my mouth. He then guided me to the sofa, and he knelt and kissed my toes. He worked his way up my legs, and when his tongue circled my cunt, I was so wet. So I opened my legs even more. I wanted to go all the way, but people were starting to arrive. Obviously, my “thank you” got the most wonderful “welcome.”

Loud Mouth

I was at a friend’s birthday party when I got pretty drunk and loud. Trying to mingle, a friend and I started talking to this group of girls. One of them a gorgeous half-Pinay, half-Indian honey that seemed to like flirting with us. Tipsy and unaware of the volume of my voice, I pulled my friend aside and told him, “Puwede na yang si Slumdog pare!” referring to the Indian lass and using the flick movie Slumdog Millionaire as code.

The girl heard me quite clearly and she screamed, “I heard you!” The party suddenly turned quiet, all eyes staring at me. Embarrassed and put on the spot I simply said, “No, I meant that as a compliment.” Needless to say, I dug myself into a far deeper hole.  

Team Jinx

I am a call center agent. After literally having beer for breakfast one day, most of my office mates decided to go home at around noon. Already tipsy and sleepy, I was about to hitch a ride back home with a colleague when he and our boss decided to stay at the bar for a round of flirting with the honeys. Left with no choice, I stayed and joined in another round of inuman—as the reluctant wingman of the group. Everything else changed when we talked to our targets. My stress and weariness just disappeared. But then, swigging just a few bottles of beer, the girls started talking nonsense. I knew right there that the hook-up would end a failure. Expectedly, the girls soon left. My officemate was so upset he tried his luck on other girls inside the bar, which didn’t work as well. It was around 4PM already so we decided to go home. While driving along Commonwealth Avenue, bad luck again struck us—my officemate’s car overheated and stopped in the middle of the killer highway at rush hour! Left without a choice again, I ended pushing his car—drunk! Horrible. I believe we were really designed for failure that day.

Bloodlust

My boyfriend did a detour at a motel after he accompanied me to a job interview. As it was a stressful day, I knew I needed good sex. We almost burned a hole right through the bed with the heat of our fucking and I have to say the sex just made the stress disappear in an instant. But after it all I then I realized it was the second day of my monthly period. Looking down on the bed sheet, we were shocked to find bloodstains all over.Checking out, the room boy couldn’t help but rib at my boyfriend: “Sir, mukhang nakakuha ka ng virgin…” Well, if he would take a closer inspection at the bloodstains he’d realize that there was more than a drop there! Eeewww… 

Weighed down

A girl calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant’s weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first. “Oh, that won’t work,” replies the girl. “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt.”

To The Airport

My hubby and I were asked by our friend to assist her in picking up her cousin at the airport. She brought a car, and my hubby and I brought an owner-type jeep for the luggage. Since it was a long wait and we had nothing to do, I started to play with my hubby’s ear and the next thing I knew I was playing with his nipples. My hubby quickly got a hard-on, so he told me it was his turn to play with me. He slipped his hand in my pants and started playing with my clit. Since we were in an open area, the sensation of getting caught made me hornier.I was trying to keep my moans low so we wouldn’t be noticed. But as our movements got stronger, so did the jeep’s. Luckily we finished the deed without anyone ever knowing. It was an exciting experience! Since then, we’ve started experimenting in other public places.

Going Mansanas

My friend and I were at a dinner party hosted by her aunt. There were a lot of people and the party was in full swing. Tita, visibly pleased at how great her party was going, signaled to the maid to bring out her special lechon for carving. She called the maid back, realizing the importance of the entrance of her special suckling pig to the success of her party.

She badgered the maid, “Wag kalimutan! Yung mansanas sa bibig! Mansanas sa bibig!” she was hell-bent on making this party perfect. True enough, the grand entrance of the roasted lechon was a sight to behold: piled high on a silver platter, proudly carried by the maid while the crisp, red apple was clenched between her jaws.  

Caught Naked!

I went to my boyfriend’s boarding house late one night for some help on schoolwork. Since I was a frequent visitor at their place, I could go straight to his room without bother. When I walked in he wasn’t there so I plopped myself down on his bed and read his FHM strewn on the floor. Minutes later he walked in and he caught me reading and with my hands in the wrong places (or right ones—I was playing with breasts and clit, somewhat aroused!). That was his cue to get down on me. We fucked well into the night. After we’d finished I realized it was too late to go home so I slept over. At 3AM, we awoke to the sound of an intruder—a burglar holding a gun! I made an effort to scream but my boyfriend quickly bundled me up. It was then that I realized we were both naked…in front of the burglar! The burglar took off with our cellphones and some valuables, and I can’t say that I don’t hate him for that, but what really pissed me off is that he saw me naked, just having had sex. Grrr…

69 Was A Gas!

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. “What do you mean?” he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain she said, “You put your head between my legs and I’ll put my head between your legs.” Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart. “What the hell was that?!” he asked. “Oops! I’m sorry! Let’s try again,” she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. He immediately got up and started getting dressed. “Where are you going?” she asked. The man replied, “If you think I’m sticking around for 67 more of those, you’re crazy!”

Sylvester takes on tweety bird

Ever had a dream that felt so real? I have. 

It was during this one night I slept over at my girlfriend’s house. You see, I like sleeping in the nude. As I slept, I dreamt that I was having sex with her. In this dream, I was tied naked to the bed while she was dressed in a sexy bunny outfit complete with a fur-tipped whip. She sat on my thighs and began to rub the whip’s furry tip on the shaft of my penis. She then proceeded to lick my balls. I got so horny especially since I could actually feel the contact of her tongue on my balls. Just when the dream was getting good, I suddenly woke up.When I looked down, I saw my girlfriend’s cat resting comfortably on my thigh, sniffing my balls while my dick stood rock-hard. I quickly the cat off the bed then wiped my balls with disgust, while my girlfriend slept cluelessly. Instead of this being one of the best sex dreams I ever had, it ended up being the first time I was sexually molested by a cat.

Koreans Do It Better

I am a Chief Mate onboard a Panamanian Flag vessel. This happened one day when our ship safely berthed at Sancheonpo port in Korea to discharge our cargo, which is coal in bulk from Australia. A cadet and I got a chance for shore leave, and while getting some chow at a buffet restaurant, we sat across two pretty Korean young ladies who wouldn’t stop staring at us. Halfway through our dinner, one of them came over to our table and apologized for staring. They explained that my companion was a dead-ringer for her friend’s boyfriend who had just died in a car accident. We asked if there was anything we could do to console her. She said it would really mean a lot if we could just wave goodbye to them when they leave. So we agreed. A few moments later, the two young ladies walked out, and so, we waved. Later, when the waitress brought us the bill, we learned that the two young ladies had put their meals and drinks dinner on our tab.

Nookie almost spoiled by bunso

It was two weeks before my finals week and I had to make pastillas for my biology class as a requirement. I wanted to be with my guy so I asked him to help me out. My older sister and my younger brother were also at home that time—my sister being the tenant at our mini store and my younger brother busy with his PC game. While working on my project I started to get so horny that I insisted on having sex. But we took it slow by doing the small, dirty things first: He massaged my boobs while I felt up his big cock—this happened while my brother, with his back to us, concentrated on his game. When things started to heat up even more I suggested that we have a quickie in the toilet.The plan was I would go in first then he’d follow after, pretending that he needed to pee. When we got in, we started the show immediately. He banged me so hard doggy style but my very makulit little brother kept on chatting with my guy while we were both in the middle of sex! Fed up, my boyfriend just said to him nicely—and with a wry smile—“Mamaya mo na lang ako kausapin, hindi ako makapag-concentrate eh.” Ha ha! 

Mama mia!

A man is approached by a co-worker at lunch and invites him out for few beers after work. The man says his wife would never go for it—that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggests a way to overcome that problem: “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.” The man agrees to try it, goes out and enjoys himself. Later that night, he sneaks into the house, slides down under the sheets, gently slides down his wife’s panties, and gives her oral sex.She moans and groans with pleasure, but after a little while, he realizes he has to take a leak. He tells her he’ll be right back, gets out of bed and walks down the hall to the bathroom. When he opens the door and goes in, he sees his wife sitting on the toilet. “How the hell did you get in here?” he asks. “Shhhhh!!!” she replies. “Mom’s visiting. You might wake her up!”

Trainspotting

You can call me a two-timer. One night, I accompanied my ”back-up” girlfriend to Cubao. We took the MRT. There were no seats around so my “back-up” girlfriend wrapped her arms around my waist. Somewhere between the Ortigas and Shaw stations, I caught this familiar girl staring at me. Before I realized who she was, she shouted, “Sino yang kasama mo?” It was my girlfriend! But the plot was going to be more twisted than I had expected:There’s another set of arms wrapped around her! I blurted back, “Ano? Eh sino yang kasama mo?” “Ex ko lang yun; wag mo pansinin! Inggit lang sa iyo yun kasi mas maganda ka sa kanya,” I told my “back-up” girlfriend. My “girlfriend” yelled back, “Ex mo? Talaga? Excuse me!” She and her other boyfriend went down the train at the next station. As the door closed, she showed me her middle finger from the outside of the train. That’s the last time I ever saw her. After the incident, I swore I wouldn’t be a two-timer anymore.

Carpet licker tingles with shame

I’m a lesbian with a very wonderful, though utterly embarrassing, story to share with you guys that happened two years ago. My girl and I were having a DVD marathon at my place. In the middle of one movie, caught in the throes of cuddling and groping, we buttered ourselves up for a bout of quickie sex. But as I was licking and eating her delicious cabbage, the door suddenly opened and to my surprise, it was my mom and a friend of ours.There they were at the door, staring at us in a most uncomfortable way. My mom—I didn’t know how in the world she was able to come up with the words—suddenly blurted out: “Okay lang yan. Mapupunta na kayo sa langit.” It was the most awkward moment of my life.

Chicken Run!

I am a lesbian and a punk. Last summer, I went to my aunt in the province for a vacation. It was there that I met and made friends with Mariana, my aunt’s helper in her poultry business. She’s only 16 and very pretty. One day I accompanied her to the chicken house to gather some eggs to be sold. No one was around inside the poultry house, save the chickens and us. A crazy idea entered my freaking mind. I took my iPod out and showed Mariana some music videos that I downloaded. She was enjoying herself when I suddenly opened a video showing two lesbians fucking each other. She never complained and continued to watch the video. But she became quiet and her face turned red. After the video I gave her a naughty smile and asked her: “Nag-enjoy ka ba?” She answered me with a slight nod not knowing what to say.I dared myself to see how far and how hot this provinciana would go. I started kissing her lips. I cupped her breasts, fondled them. She just stood there but I could tell she was nervous. I whispered in her ears: “Okay lang yan, gayahin natin.” I hiked her skirt up, inserted my hand inside her panties and began to stroke her pussy. She closed her eyes, bit her lips and held on to me. I let her sit down on a bamboo bench and spread her legs. I observed she was very wet and waiting to be licked, so I began to do so. It was one hell of a scene, me eating this cutie’s hot pussy while inside the poultry with chickens around us as our witnesses. She reached her first orgasm, and I smiled as it entered my mind that I just ate the best chick in the province.

Stripped

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Three cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other two were drunks. She soon decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. So one day, the widow told him, “You’ve done a really good job. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. He returned at around 2:30AM.Upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine. She quietly called him over to her: “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. “Now take off my bra.” She then looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!” 

Truly, madly, briefly

I had a spontaneous drinking session with a friend one time at his house. Since we drank late into the night, I decided to sleep over. The next day, my friend told me his classmates were coming over to work on a school project. So I borrowed clothes from him and took a shower while he went out to buy merienda. When I finished taking a bath, I realized he didn’t lend me underwear! I tried searching his room but couldn’t find where he kept his knickers so I decided to go commando under his basketball shorts. His classmates knocked earlier than expected . I opened the door and they started on their project on the floor. I joined them and helped them out, even talked and had a laugh with a couple of his cute friends. While sitting on the floor, I noticed one girl staring at you-know-where. When I looked down, I saw that the shorts I was wearing had a hole in it! I didn’t even try to analyze how much of my dick was showing when I stood up and went to the bathroom. I put on my pants and sneaked out the house. To this day I keep running the scene on loop in my head, trying to figure out who else might’ve seen my peeping penis.

Kinky Love

I have the coolest and weirdest boyfriend. He is my first in everything and we’ve done it almost everywhere. And he’s not a jealous guy; he even permits me to go on dates with my suitors for as long as I tell him everything. One time he asked if I wanted to try having sex with another guy, but on one condition: I would let him watch. I agreed and picked one of my suitors—the guy who always asked if we could have one-night-stand whenever we had a conversation. The lucky guy picked me up at our meeting place, and after taking me to dinner, we went to his car. Inside he asked if I could give him a kiss, so I kissed him. Without saying a thing he touched my breasts. He unzipped his pants and pulled my head towards his cock. I had no choice but to give him head—but only for a few seconds so he’d feel bitin. He agreed that we do it in my place, and there we went. After I closed the door, he grabbed and kissed me, his hands sliding all over me.The thrill made me soaking wet. We went to my room; there he made me sit on the edge of the bed. He pulled my panties but left my skirt on. He began to eat me under my skirt. It was the first that someone licked my pussy because my boyfriend wouldn’t want to. Damn! That was one an hell of experience! In return I gave him a great head while he was finger-fucking me. Banging sex ensued—I used everything I learned from my boyfriend on him. It was one of my greatest sex encounters! Oh, and I forgot—it was my boyfriend’s room and all the time he was in the closet, watching a live show.

Workin' girls

I was 30 minutes early for work. I had nothing to do so I fired up my Internet browser and went to FHM online to read some ladies’ confessions. I got so caught up with one entry that I started touching my pussy. I hadn’t noticed that an officemate (and friend) was early for work, too, and was now behind me, reading the story on girl-on-girl action as well. Before I could say a word, she sat beside me. She then started to reach for my pussy. There was practically no one around so I went with her. She was so into me that she slipped under my table, removed my undies, spread my legs and started to lick my super wet pussy with a little help from her finger. I was thrilled with the thought that some of our officemates could well be around at this time and we’d be caught. She ate my pussy for what seemed like ages. She didn’t give me back my undies until coffee break. We agreed to meet at the john and we did it again for the second time. I’ll never forget that first girl-to-girl erotic experience.

Sacred' Thing'

A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon. Looking forward to wild sex, the anticipation was too much to bear for the husband so he died on the nuptial bed. Utterly devastated, the wife decides to preserve her husband’s massive penis by cutting it off him, to hang on a wall, to be taken off and be used for her pleasure.Every night, she takes the preserved penis off the wall and kisses it, licks it, inserts it in her. A neighbor sees this routine and comes up with an idea. He makes a hole in the wall, removes the dead man’s penis from the wall and inserts his instead. The lady comes home, gets a knife and cuts the penis off the wall. “Darling we are moving house today.” Ouch!

Love Radio

This incident happened August last year, when my boyfriend from Manila paid me a visit at work. It was actually a surprise visit since we got into a really awful fight prior and it was hard to work things out since I live in the province. I’m a radio jock, by the way, and he caught me in the middle of board work. We talked and things got a little steamy and we started making out. I was in the middle of introducing a song when my naughty boyfriend put his fingers inside my panties and played with me. At first I was really scared somebody might storm inside the booth, or that I’d be carried away with the “oohs” and “ahhs” because of what he’s doing. But I loved what he did so much that all I could do was close my eyes and focus on what I was doing. It went on and on like crazy until I was finished with my shift. And I came, too!

When Shit Gits the Floor

I was busy doing office work when I felt an uncontrollable grumbling in my stomach. I was starting to feel goosebumps on my skin and sweated terribly, so I rushed to the comfort room. Fortunately, the coast was clear. I unbuckled my trousers, sat comfortably on the crapper and let it out. Relief was instant. But when I was about to complete my number 2 duties, the damn fire alarm broke at the most unfortunate time. Scared shitless of being roasted alive in the loo, I promptly stood up without bothering to flush and wash my bum, pulled up my pants and ran the hell out of the building, even leaving dribbles of shit behind me. Imagine my dismay when the admin officer declared that all the commotion was the fault of a stupid kid, who toyed with the alarm system. 

The best computer game ever!

My boyfriend and I found ourselves the first customers of the day at our suking computer shop (the place where we first met). So there I was sitting beside him while he played his online game—I wasn’t really into it, honestly—and thought how hot he looked that day. In a fit of spontaneity I gave him a lingering kiss, which proved powerful enough to divert his attention. We then traded places—I sat to play his game and he pulled a chair and sat behind me, wrapping his arms around me, discreetly groping for my pussy. My boyfriend is great at finger-fucking so he knew exactly which buttons to push. In minutes I was so fired up my breathing became heavy and I couldn’t suppress my moans. He doubled his finger action while covering my mouth and then I let go—it was one of the longest orgasm I’ve had, no doubt made more exciting because we were in a public place. Returning the favor, I made like I was sleeping on his lap but actually was swallowing his cock whole.

Revenge is just a call away

My ex-boyfriend left me for an older woman just because he was “stressed out” with everything, including me. The jerk. So I got even. Two weeks after our breakup, I went to his pad pretending to just bring his stuff over. The moment he opened the door I pulled him and kissed him passionately that he almost fell to the floor. I pushed him to the bed and took off his clothes. But before our little “party,” I made sure that I discreetly dialed his girlfriend’s cell number (he had a new girl two weeks after we were over! Real jerk!) and have her hear his boyfriend’s moans. Of course, I was exaggerating my pleasure sounds, screaming “Oh my god! You’re so good” while I was riding him like there was no tomorrow. As he was coming, the door flew open and the old hag stood there catching us red-handed. It was the funniest sight! Her face went pale upon seeing that it was I on top of her man, while still holding her phone to her ear. While she stood frozen, my ex shook, while I reached for my cell phone and naughtily asked her, “Are you this good?” smiling wickedly at her afterwards. She run off and broke up with him that night. Ha! Ha!

King Of The World!

I once had a boyfriend who was a naval officer assigned south of Manila. It was a long-distance relationship and he would often make lambing to me to come visit him in his assignment sometime soon. On one occasion, he was able to convince me to go—besides, I really missed him then—so I went. When I got there, he gave me a tour of the naval ship because it was my first time to see a real one. When we got to the ship deck, we started mimicking Jack and Rose in that famous Titanic scene and making a fool out of ourselves. Then he started to hug me from behind and started kissing my nape. He then played with my breasts with one hand while the other lifted my skirt, his fingers That made me really wet and horny so I begged him to do me right then and there. He unzipped his uniform while I slid my undies down to my knees. He entered me from behind and started doing me like crazy. However, before we came, we suddenly heard someone calling for him so we stopped and fixed ourselves hurriedly and went back inside the ship. I was so pissed that I got so bitin. Done making small talk with a crewmate, he led me inside his cabin and continued where we left off.

Believe

An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water. “Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?” Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?” “As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back. The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”

Official Business

An officemate took a gamble and approached me saying he wanted to do it with me. I had only known him for a year, I knew we were both attached, but the thought of it thrilled me no end so I accepted his indecent proposal. So began our fuck-buddy relationship. The first try was so good I could no longer say no to him every time he asked me out—I always anticipated the sex, how his dick fit my pussy perfectly, the different positions we would do, and how he would let me moan wildly.In one of our scheduled fuck dates, I wore my see-through bra and silk panties. It made him so horny we fucked hard like never before. He did me in bed, on the table, propped up a chair, on the sink. It was so good I came several times. Before we parted ways, my phone rang. It was my boyfriend! He requested that we go out since it had been a month since we’d seen each other last. The superwoman I thought I was, I agreed. I instantly dozed off after one round. It was too late to realize that I forgot to erase the steamy text messages I exchanged with my fuck buddy, and my boyfriend read them all!In his fury, instead of saying or doing something that’ll hurt me, he just left. I texted him to say sorry and he forgave me. As for the other guy, we’re still waiting for the right opportunity to do it again.

Condoms and Condolences

After losing her husband almost four years ago, Anna started dating again. She met a guy and they took to one another. After six weeks of dating, they went for a weekend away. Their first night there, they both undressed. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties while he was in his birthday suit. He asked, “Why the black panties?” She replied, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.” He knew he was not getting lucky that night. 
The following night was the same thing. She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?” He replied, “I would like to offer my deepest condolences.”

Colegialas: Dangerous

Doing pranks was a common thing when I was in high school. But to this day—six years past—there was one disgusting prank that none of us friends ever admitted pulling. See, my friends and I lived in proximity to each other so every day after class we would all take the same FX route on our way home. One day, there were six of us who got to ride the same the FX. The aircon was on full-blast. We were chatty kids and that was what we were doing until halfway to our destination someone farted. It was, as described by one of my barkada, the ipit kind of fart, which meant that the smell was worse Anyway, by the time the smell blanketed the cramped FX the only passengers left were my friends and I. Kids that we were, we couldn’t help but laugh at what was happening. That was until the driver shouted, “Mga gago rin kayo noh! Uutot-utot kayo tatawa pa. Para kayong di nag-aaral sa Catholic school! Mga walang modo!” But the thing is, not one of us did the ugly deed, as we learned when we met and had a heart-to-heart talk the next day. Our suspicion was the foul bomb was dropped by this colegiala who alighted before the whole thing happened. Needless to say, that was not the last we heard from the driver. After bellowing to us to open all the windows, he kept on mumbling and would not listen to our cries of “Para!” and deliberately would let us off meters away. But it was sure one hell of a laugh trip!

Birthing pains: easy!

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father 10 times, and if the pain became too much for the father to bear he should let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100 percent of the pain, times 10. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

Girl Does Homework With Lady Prof!

I’m a college teacher at a known university here in Bicol. I got close to a female student, who I’d jokingly call “bhaby,” and we often have a drinking session at my house. I’m married, but my husband was not around most of the time that he didn’t notice I was feeling something different toward my student. One time at school, during break, I began to feel horny toward my “bhaby” that I asked her to go home with me. I knew she had an idea of what I wanted to happen. So off we went to my house and drank shots of brandy. We soon lost control—I undressed her in our living room and kissed her breasts.
We were so into the act that we didn’t notice my husband come home early. We were caught in the act, both totally naked! My husband was initially speechless, but next thing I knew he began to take off his clothes. I feared that he might do something violent, but none of that happened. Instead, my “bhaby,” my husband and I all had a happy ending.

LynLyn, Bicol
ILLUSTRATION BY: SONNY RAMIREZ