Weighed down

A girl calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant’s weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first. “Oh, that won’t work,” replies the girl. “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt.”

Woot-woot!

The nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time this happens, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,”said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?” 

She's Cuckoo

A woman went on a girls' night out, promising her husband she'd be home by midnight. The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she went home. Just as she got in the door, their clock started up and cuckooed three times. 

Realizing her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.

The next morning the husband asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem pissed at all, which made the wife think she got away clean. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted." 

Trying to fit in

A man goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. At the counter, the female pharmacist asks him what his size is. The man is amazed that condoms come in sizes and answers, “I don’t know my size. Will you help me?” The woman asks the man to go at the back of the pharmacy in the sofa. The woman lies down on the sofa as the man, confused at the situation, takes off his shorts and inserts his penis in the woman’s pussy. “Size B,” the woman answers. “Okay, take it out. How many condoms would you like?” The man asks for two and goes home. Feeling ecstatic over what just happened, he tells the good news to his friend. His friend could not believe so he goes to the pharmacy to try it out himself.The friend tells the female pharmacist that he does not know what his size is, so she assists him to the back of the pharmacy and asks him to insert his penis in her pussy. “Size C, okay?” the woman says. “Now take it out.” The man refuses to take it out, and instead fucks the woman until he comes. The woman then asks, “Wait, wait, how many are you buying?” “I’m not buying one,” says the man. “I just came in for fitting.”

No escape

An 18-year-old girl went to see her mom to tell her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit. The test results show that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing and crying all at the same time, the mother ask, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, and a mature, distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her three stores, two townhouses, a beach villa, and a P1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a P1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, I will leave a factory and P500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage...” At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him: “You’ll sleep with her again!”

Wipeout

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: “Use more soap on panties!” She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: “Use more soap on panties!” The laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: “I use plenty soap on panties!!! Use more paper on ass!!!” 

Weighed down

A girl calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant’s weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first. “Oh, that won’t work,” replies the girl. “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt.”

69 Was A Gas!

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. “What do you mean?” he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain she said, “You put your head between my legs and I’ll put my head between your legs.” Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart. “What the hell was that?!” he asked. “Oops! I’m sorry! Let’s try again,” she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. He immediately got up and started getting dressed. “Where are you going?” she asked. The man replied, “If you think I’m sticking around for 67 more of those, you’re crazy!”

Koreans Do It Better

I am a Chief Mate onboard a Panamanian Flag vessel. This happened one day when our ship safely berthed at Sancheonpo port in Korea to discharge our cargo, which is coal in bulk from Australia. A cadet and I got a chance for shore leave, and while getting some chow at a buffet restaurant, we sat across two pretty Korean young ladies who wouldn’t stop staring at us. Halfway through our dinner, one of them came over to our table and apologized for staring. They explained that my companion was a dead-ringer for her friend’s boyfriend who had just died in a car accident. We asked if there was anything we could do to console her. She said it would really mean a lot if we could just wave goodbye to them when they leave. So we agreed. A few moments later, the two young ladies walked out, and so, we waved. Later, when the waitress brought us the bill, we learned that the two young ladies had put their meals and drinks dinner on our tab.

Mama mia!

A man is approached by a co-worker at lunch and invites him out for few beers after work. The man says his wife would never go for it—that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggests a way to overcome that problem: “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.” The man agrees to try it, goes out and enjoys himself. Later that night, he sneaks into the house, slides down under the sheets, gently slides down his wife’s panties, and gives her oral sex.She moans and groans with pleasure, but after a little while, he realizes he has to take a leak. He tells her he’ll be right back, gets out of bed and walks down the hall to the bathroom. When he opens the door and goes in, he sees his wife sitting on the toilet. “How the hell did you get in here?” he asks. “Shhhhh!!!” she replies. “Mom’s visiting. You might wake her up!”

Stripped

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Three cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other two were drunks. She soon decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. So one day, the widow told him, “You’ve done a really good job. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. He returned at around 2:30AM.Upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine. She quietly called him over to her: “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. “Now take off my bra.” She then looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!” 

Sacred' Thing'

A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon. Looking forward to wild sex, the anticipation was too much to bear for the husband so he died on the nuptial bed. Utterly devastated, the wife decides to preserve her husband’s massive penis by cutting it off him, to hang on a wall, to be taken off and be used for her pleasure.Every night, she takes the preserved penis off the wall and kisses it, licks it, inserts it in her. A neighbor sees this routine and comes up with an idea. He makes a hole in the wall, removes the dead man’s penis from the wall and inserts his instead. The lady comes home, gets a knife and cuts the penis off the wall. “Darling we are moving house today.” Ouch!

Believe

An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water. “Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?” Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?” “As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back. The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”

Birthing pains: easy!

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father 10 times, and if the pain became too much for the father to bear he should let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100 percent of the pain, times 10. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

Game of the generals!

The Armed Forces of the Philippines  found it had too many generals and so offered an early retirement bonus: full annual benefits plus P100,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the the general’s body, with him getting to pick any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of P7.2 million. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for P9.6 million. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine general, was asked what to measure, he said, “From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.” The pension man suggested that the general might like to reconsider it, pointing out the nice checks the two generals had received. The Marine insisted, so  the pension expert got the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer asked the general to drop his pants, placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and stopped. “My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?” The general replied, “One in Sulu and the other in Tawi-Tawi. Keep measuring!” The Armed Forces of the Philippines  found it had too many generals and so offered an early retirement bonus: full annual benefits plus P100,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the the general’s body, with him getting to pick any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of P7.2 million. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for P9.6 million. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine general, was asked what to measure, he said, “From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.” The pension man suggested that the general might like to reconsider it, pointing out the nice checks the two generals had received. The Marine insisted, so  the pension expert got the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer asked the general to drop his pants, placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and stopped. “My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?” The general replied, “One in Sulu and the other in Tawi-Tawi. Keep measuring!”

ILLUSTRATION: JAYSON CONFESSOR
SENT BY ANGELO VALENZUELA

APE LOVING

A man walks into his back yard one morning and finds a gorilla in a tree. He calls a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrives armed with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” he tells the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until it falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uhm, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.” “Got it,” replies the homeowner. “But what’s the shotgun for?” “If I fall down from the tree before the gorilla,” begins the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.A man walks into his back yard one morning and finds a gorilla in a tree. He calls a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrives armed with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” he tells the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until it falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uhm, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.” “Got it,” replies the homeowner. “But what’s the shotgun for?” “If I fall down from the tree before the gorilla,” begins the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.

ILLUSTRATION: SONNY RAMIREZ
E-MAILED BY FRANCIS SABIDONG

Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman are having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.’” The second Catholic man chirps: “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace.’” The third Catholic gent says: “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, ‘Your Eminence.’” The fourth Catholic man then brags: “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him: ‘Your Holiness.’” Seeing that the lone Catholic woman was just sipping her coffee in silence throughout their conversation, the four men give her a subtle, “Well?” To which she proudly replies: “I have a daughter: slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24” waist and 34” hips. When she walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh My God.’”Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman are having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.’” The second Catholic man chirps: “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace.’” The third Catholic gent says: “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, ‘Your Eminence.’” The fourth Catholic man then brags: “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him: ‘Your Holiness.’” Seeing that the lone Catholic woman was just sipping her coffee in silence throughout their conversation, the four men give her a subtle, “Well?” To which she proudly replies: “I have a daughter: slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24” waist and 34” hips. When she walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh My God.’”


ILLUSTRATION: LUCIANO “SONNY” RAMIREZ
STORY: ARIS REX ARROYO BY EMAIL

Got holes?

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter. There were a few people waiting before her, so she strikes up a conversation with the cock-bearing saint. They were deep in discussion when suddenly she hears a blood-curdling scream. “What was that?” she asked. “Oh, don’t worry about that,” said St. Peter. “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, more terrible than the previous one. “What was that?” “Oh, don’t worry,” again said St. Peter soothingly. “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.” Upon hearing this, the lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” inquired St. Peter. “I think I’ll go downstairs,” answers the lady. “But you can’t go there. You’ll be raped and sodomized!” “It’s okay,” she notes. “I’ve already got the holes for that.”

JAN RAY SOLEDAD, ZAMBOANGA CITY

ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

OMG!

An old man is on the beach. He spots a beautiful girl in a hot pink bikini and walks up to her. “Lady, I want to feel your breasts!” he exclaims. “Get away from me, you crazy old man!” she replies. “I want to feel your breasts. I will give you P500,” he says. “Five hundred pesos? Are you nuts?! Get away from me!” the lady shouts in disgust. “I really want to feel your breasts, I will give you P1,000,” he insists. “No, pervert! Get away from me!” “Two thousand pesos!” he offers. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, “I said no!” “Okay, P5,000 if you let me feel your breasts!” he exclaims. She gives it a thought, “Well he is old, and he seems harmless enough. After all, P5,000 is a lot of money...” Finally she agrees.
An old man is on the beach. He spots a beautiful girl in a hot pink bikini and walks up to her. “Lady, I want to feel your breasts!” he exclaims. “Get away from me, you crazy old man!” she replies. “I want to feel your breasts. I will give you P500,” he says. “Five hundred pesos? Are you nuts?! Get away from me!” the lady shouts in disgust. “I really want to feel your breasts, I will give you P1,000,” he insists. “No, pervert! Get away from me!” “Two thousand pesos!” he offers. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, “I said no!” “Okay, P5,000 if you let me feel your breasts!” he exclaims. She gives it a thought, “Well he is old, and he seems harmless enough. After all, P5,000 is a lot of money...” Finally she agrees.


“Well, okay, but only for a minute.” She loosens her bikini top. They go to an isolated part of the beach and there, he slides his hands underneath the bikini and begins to feel the lady’s soft breasts. “Oh my God... Oh my God... Oh my God...” the old man, sweating, keeps on saying while caressing the woman. Out of curiosity, she asks him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my God, oh my God’?” While continuing to feel her breasts, he answered, “ Oh my God... Oh my God... Oh my God... Where am I ever going to get P5,000?!”

Alvin de Jesus, by mailIllustration by: Mikke Gallardo

 

God—busted

After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse me, Your Eminence,” says the driver, “would you please take your seat so we can leave?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.” “I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something happens?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. “There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. “Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” says the Chief. “I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” says the cop. “I mean really important.” “Who you got there, the Mayor?” the chief asks. “Bigger. Bigger than the governor or everyone else for that matter,” says the cop. “Well, who is it?” asks the chief. “I think it’s God!” says the cop. “What makes you think it’s God?” Cop answers: “He’s got the Pope for a limo driver!”

Allan, by email