Mama mia!

A man is approached by a co-worker at lunch and invites him out for few beers after work. The man says his wife would never go for it—that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggests a way to overcome that problem: “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.” The man agrees to try it, goes out and enjoys himself. Later that night, he sneaks into the house, slides down under the sheets, gently slides down his wife’s panties, and gives her oral sex.She moans and groans with pleasure, but after a little while, he realizes he has to take a leak. He tells her he’ll be right back, gets out of bed and walks down the hall to the bathroom. When he opens the door and goes in, he sees his wife sitting on the toilet. “How the hell did you get in here?” he asks. “Shhhhh!!!” she replies. “Mom’s visiting. You might wake her up!”

Trainspotting

You can call me a two-timer. One night, I accompanied my ”back-up” girlfriend to Cubao. We took the MRT. There were no seats around so my “back-up” girlfriend wrapped her arms around my waist. Somewhere between the Ortigas and Shaw stations, I caught this familiar girl staring at me. Before I realized who she was, she shouted, “Sino yang kasama mo?” It was my girlfriend! But the plot was going to be more twisted than I had expected:There’s another set of arms wrapped around her! I blurted back, “Ano? Eh sino yang kasama mo?” “Ex ko lang yun; wag mo pansinin! Inggit lang sa iyo yun kasi mas maganda ka sa kanya,” I told my “back-up” girlfriend. My “girlfriend” yelled back, “Ex mo? Talaga? Excuse me!” She and her other boyfriend went down the train at the next station. As the door closed, she showed me her middle finger from the outside of the train. That’s the last time I ever saw her. After the incident, I swore I wouldn’t be a two-timer anymore.

Carpet licker tingles with shame

I’m a lesbian with a very wonderful, though utterly embarrassing, story to share with you guys that happened two years ago. My girl and I were having a DVD marathon at my place. In the middle of one movie, caught in the throes of cuddling and groping, we buttered ourselves up for a bout of quickie sex. But as I was licking and eating her delicious cabbage, the door suddenly opened and to my surprise, it was my mom and a friend of ours.There they were at the door, staring at us in a most uncomfortable way. My mom—I didn’t know how in the world she was able to come up with the words—suddenly blurted out: “Okay lang yan. Mapupunta na kayo sa langit.” It was the most awkward moment of my life.

Chicken Run!

I am a lesbian and a punk. Last summer, I went to my aunt in the province for a vacation. It was there that I met and made friends with Mariana, my aunt’s helper in her poultry business. She’s only 16 and very pretty. One day I accompanied her to the chicken house to gather some eggs to be sold. No one was around inside the poultry house, save the chickens and us. A crazy idea entered my freaking mind. I took my iPod out and showed Mariana some music videos that I downloaded. She was enjoying herself when I suddenly opened a video showing two lesbians fucking each other. She never complained and continued to watch the video. But she became quiet and her face turned red. After the video I gave her a naughty smile and asked her: “Nag-enjoy ka ba?” She answered me with a slight nod not knowing what to say.I dared myself to see how far and how hot this provinciana would go. I started kissing her lips. I cupped her breasts, fondled them. She just stood there but I could tell she was nervous. I whispered in her ears: “Okay lang yan, gayahin natin.” I hiked her skirt up, inserted my hand inside her panties and began to stroke her pussy. She closed her eyes, bit her lips and held on to me. I let her sit down on a bamboo bench and spread her legs. I observed she was very wet and waiting to be licked, so I began to do so. It was one hell of a scene, me eating this cutie’s hot pussy while inside the poultry with chickens around us as our witnesses. She reached her first orgasm, and I smiled as it entered my mind that I just ate the best chick in the province.

Stripped

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Three cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other two were drunks. She soon decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. So one day, the widow told him, “You’ve done a really good job. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. He returned at around 2:30AM.Upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine. She quietly called him over to her: “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. “Now take off my bra.” She then looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!” 

Truly, madly, briefly

I had a spontaneous drinking session with a friend one time at his house. Since we drank late into the night, I decided to sleep over. The next day, my friend told me his classmates were coming over to work on a school project. So I borrowed clothes from him and took a shower while he went out to buy merienda. When I finished taking a bath, I realized he didn’t lend me underwear! I tried searching his room but couldn’t find where he kept his knickers so I decided to go commando under his basketball shorts. His classmates knocked earlier than expected . I opened the door and they started on their project on the floor. I joined them and helped them out, even talked and had a laugh with a couple of his cute friends. While sitting on the floor, I noticed one girl staring at you-know-where. When I looked down, I saw that the shorts I was wearing had a hole in it! I didn’t even try to analyze how much of my dick was showing when I stood up and went to the bathroom. I put on my pants and sneaked out the house. To this day I keep running the scene on loop in my head, trying to figure out who else might’ve seen my peeping penis.

Kinky Love

I have the coolest and weirdest boyfriend. He is my first in everything and we’ve done it almost everywhere. And he’s not a jealous guy; he even permits me to go on dates with my suitors for as long as I tell him everything. One time he asked if I wanted to try having sex with another guy, but on one condition: I would let him watch. I agreed and picked one of my suitors—the guy who always asked if we could have one-night-stand whenever we had a conversation. The lucky guy picked me up at our meeting place, and after taking me to dinner, we went to his car. Inside he asked if I could give him a kiss, so I kissed him. Without saying a thing he touched my breasts. He unzipped his pants and pulled my head towards his cock. I had no choice but to give him head—but only for a few seconds so he’d feel bitin. He agreed that we do it in my place, and there we went. After I closed the door, he grabbed and kissed me, his hands sliding all over me.The thrill made me soaking wet. We went to my room; there he made me sit on the edge of the bed. He pulled my panties but left my skirt on. He began to eat me under my skirt. It was the first that someone licked my pussy because my boyfriend wouldn’t want to. Damn! That was one an hell of experience! In return I gave him a great head while he was finger-fucking me. Banging sex ensued—I used everything I learned from my boyfriend on him. It was one of my greatest sex encounters! Oh, and I forgot—it was my boyfriend’s room and all the time he was in the closet, watching a live show.

Workin' girls

I was 30 minutes early for work. I had nothing to do so I fired up my Internet browser and went to FHM online to read some ladies’ confessions. I got so caught up with one entry that I started touching my pussy. I hadn’t noticed that an officemate (and friend) was early for work, too, and was now behind me, reading the story on girl-on-girl action as well. Before I could say a word, she sat beside me. She then started to reach for my pussy. There was practically no one around so I went with her. She was so into me that she slipped under my table, removed my undies, spread my legs and started to lick my super wet pussy with a little help from her finger. I was thrilled with the thought that some of our officemates could well be around at this time and we’d be caught. She ate my pussy for what seemed like ages. She didn’t give me back my undies until coffee break. We agreed to meet at the john and we did it again for the second time. I’ll never forget that first girl-to-girl erotic experience.

Sacred' Thing'

A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon. Looking forward to wild sex, the anticipation was too much to bear for the husband so he died on the nuptial bed. Utterly devastated, the wife decides to preserve her husband’s massive penis by cutting it off him, to hang on a wall, to be taken off and be used for her pleasure.Every night, she takes the preserved penis off the wall and kisses it, licks it, inserts it in her. A neighbor sees this routine and comes up with an idea. He makes a hole in the wall, removes the dead man’s penis from the wall and inserts his instead. The lady comes home, gets a knife and cuts the penis off the wall. “Darling we are moving house today.” Ouch!

Love Radio

This incident happened August last year, when my boyfriend from Manila paid me a visit at work. It was actually a surprise visit since we got into a really awful fight prior and it was hard to work things out since I live in the province. I’m a radio jock, by the way, and he caught me in the middle of board work. We talked and things got a little steamy and we started making out. I was in the middle of introducing a song when my naughty boyfriend put his fingers inside my panties and played with me. At first I was really scared somebody might storm inside the booth, or that I’d be carried away with the “oohs” and “ahhs” because of what he’s doing. But I loved what he did so much that all I could do was close my eyes and focus on what I was doing. It went on and on like crazy until I was finished with my shift. And I came, too!

When Shit Gits the Floor

I was busy doing office work when I felt an uncontrollable grumbling in my stomach. I was starting to feel goosebumps on my skin and sweated terribly, so I rushed to the comfort room. Fortunately, the coast was clear. I unbuckled my trousers, sat comfortably on the crapper and let it out. Relief was instant. But when I was about to complete my number 2 duties, the damn fire alarm broke at the most unfortunate time. Scared shitless of being roasted alive in the loo, I promptly stood up without bothering to flush and wash my bum, pulled up my pants and ran the hell out of the building, even leaving dribbles of shit behind me. Imagine my dismay when the admin officer declared that all the commotion was the fault of a stupid kid, who toyed with the alarm system. 

The best computer game ever!

My boyfriend and I found ourselves the first customers of the day at our suking computer shop (the place where we first met). So there I was sitting beside him while he played his online game—I wasn’t really into it, honestly—and thought how hot he looked that day. In a fit of spontaneity I gave him a lingering kiss, which proved powerful enough to divert his attention. We then traded places—I sat to play his game and he pulled a chair and sat behind me, wrapping his arms around me, discreetly groping for my pussy. My boyfriend is great at finger-fucking so he knew exactly which buttons to push. In minutes I was so fired up my breathing became heavy and I couldn’t suppress my moans. He doubled his finger action while covering my mouth and then I let go—it was one of the longest orgasm I’ve had, no doubt made more exciting because we were in a public place. Returning the favor, I made like I was sleeping on his lap but actually was swallowing his cock whole.

Revenge is just a call away

My ex-boyfriend left me for an older woman just because he was “stressed out” with everything, including me. The jerk. So I got even. Two weeks after our breakup, I went to his pad pretending to just bring his stuff over. The moment he opened the door I pulled him and kissed him passionately that he almost fell to the floor. I pushed him to the bed and took off his clothes. But before our little “party,” I made sure that I discreetly dialed his girlfriend’s cell number (he had a new girl two weeks after we were over! Real jerk!) and have her hear his boyfriend’s moans. Of course, I was exaggerating my pleasure sounds, screaming “Oh my god! You’re so good” while I was riding him like there was no tomorrow. As he was coming, the door flew open and the old hag stood there catching us red-handed. It was the funniest sight! Her face went pale upon seeing that it was I on top of her man, while still holding her phone to her ear. While she stood frozen, my ex shook, while I reached for my cell phone and naughtily asked her, “Are you this good?” smiling wickedly at her afterwards. She run off and broke up with him that night. Ha! Ha!

King Of The World!

I once had a boyfriend who was a naval officer assigned south of Manila. It was a long-distance relationship and he would often make lambing to me to come visit him in his assignment sometime soon. On one occasion, he was able to convince me to go—besides, I really missed him then—so I went. When I got there, he gave me a tour of the naval ship because it was my first time to see a real one. When we got to the ship deck, we started mimicking Jack and Rose in that famous Titanic scene and making a fool out of ourselves. Then he started to hug me from behind and started kissing my nape. He then played with my breasts with one hand while the other lifted my skirt, his fingers That made me really wet and horny so I begged him to do me right then and there. He unzipped his uniform while I slid my undies down to my knees. He entered me from behind and started doing me like crazy. However, before we came, we suddenly heard someone calling for him so we stopped and fixed ourselves hurriedly and went back inside the ship. I was so pissed that I got so bitin. Done making small talk with a crewmate, he led me inside his cabin and continued where we left off.

Believe

An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water. “Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?” Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?” “As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back. The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”

Official Business

An officemate took a gamble and approached me saying he wanted to do it with me. I had only known him for a year, I knew we were both attached, but the thought of it thrilled me no end so I accepted his indecent proposal. So began our fuck-buddy relationship. The first try was so good I could no longer say no to him every time he asked me out—I always anticipated the sex, how his dick fit my pussy perfectly, the different positions we would do, and how he would let me moan wildly.In one of our scheduled fuck dates, I wore my see-through bra and silk panties. It made him so horny we fucked hard like never before. He did me in bed, on the table, propped up a chair, on the sink. It was so good I came several times. Before we parted ways, my phone rang. It was my boyfriend! He requested that we go out since it had been a month since we’d seen each other last. The superwoman I thought I was, I agreed. I instantly dozed off after one round. It was too late to realize that I forgot to erase the steamy text messages I exchanged with my fuck buddy, and my boyfriend read them all!In his fury, instead of saying or doing something that’ll hurt me, he just left. I texted him to say sorry and he forgave me. As for the other guy, we’re still waiting for the right opportunity to do it again.

Condoms and Condolences

After losing her husband almost four years ago, Anna started dating again. She met a guy and they took to one another. After six weeks of dating, they went for a weekend away. Their first night there, they both undressed. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties while he was in his birthday suit. He asked, “Why the black panties?” She replied, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.” He knew he was not getting lucky that night. 
The following night was the same thing. She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?” He replied, “I would like to offer my deepest condolences.”

Colegialas: Dangerous

Doing pranks was a common thing when I was in high school. But to this day—six years past—there was one disgusting prank that none of us friends ever admitted pulling. See, my friends and I lived in proximity to each other so every day after class we would all take the same FX route on our way home. One day, there were six of us who got to ride the same the FX. The aircon was on full-blast. We were chatty kids and that was what we were doing until halfway to our destination someone farted. It was, as described by one of my barkada, the ipit kind of fart, which meant that the smell was worse Anyway, by the time the smell blanketed the cramped FX the only passengers left were my friends and I. Kids that we were, we couldn’t help but laugh at what was happening. That was until the driver shouted, “Mga gago rin kayo noh! Uutot-utot kayo tatawa pa. Para kayong di nag-aaral sa Catholic school! Mga walang modo!” But the thing is, not one of us did the ugly deed, as we learned when we met and had a heart-to-heart talk the next day. Our suspicion was the foul bomb was dropped by this colegiala who alighted before the whole thing happened. Needless to say, that was not the last we heard from the driver. After bellowing to us to open all the windows, he kept on mumbling and would not listen to our cries of “Para!” and deliberately would let us off meters away. But it was sure one hell of a laugh trip!

Birthing pains: easy!

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father 10 times, and if the pain became too much for the father to bear he should let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100 percent of the pain, times 10. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.