Mind Your Manners

July 31, 2006
In second year college, my schoolmates and I watched our annual university beauty pageant. We had seats near the stage and the view was perfect. In the talent portion, most of the girls did lame production numbers, so us boys got a bit bored. But then this girl suddenly came up. She was wearing a nun’s costume and appeared to be set to do another one of those stupid dramatic monologues. True enough, she began her stage drama shtick. But halfway through her act, she stripped her nun costume violently to reveals stripper’s clothing—tight strapless top, tight mini skirt and all. She also began to move like a stripper on stage! I lost myself at that moment and began standing up and hooting for the girl like I was in a dirty beer house. The best part was when her skirt accidentally (or deliberately?) got ripped, revealing her thongs and yummy butt-cheeks. All the boys in the audience cheered like crazed criminals. But I was the most insane of them all! Then the worst part happened: After her performance, she went to the row where I was sitting. I thought she would confront me, but she passed me and stopped, instead, by the lady beside me. The lady was her mother! And there was shouting near-obscenities at her daughter. What humiliation! You can bet any chance I had of courting her were doused that night.

Fency5, by email

Illustrations by: Mikke Gallardo

Punks Get Junked!

September 28, 2006
A friend and I are big fans of punk rock music and one of our favorite bands is The Ramones. One night, while we were cruising around the Malate area we decided to put to practice a Ramones’ song called “Blitzkrieg Bop” (we take this song to be about some filthy kids taking turns screwing a bitch in the backseat of a car). After a couple of beers we decided to pick up a hooker and drive her to a dark spot at the PICC Complex. Being the hospitable friend that I am, I let him go first while I wait for my turn outside the car. As I quietly sat on the pavement I saw three scooters approaching us. I initially thought they were just passing by, but I was dead wrong. They were coppers on scoots ready to round us. We (including the hooker) ended up at the police station.

Too bad for my friend and the hooker, they had to endure going behind bars while I was allowed to loiter while we were being booked (see, I’ve got connections). I remember my friend reasoning to a cop that they were doing nothing wrong, to which the cop replied, “Tarantado ka! Anong wala?! Kinakatok na kita ng flashlight, ayaw mo pang tumigil sa kababayo!” I knew we were in deep shit, but good thing my padrino showed up two hours later. He got us out clean. Since then, whenever I hear “Blitzkrieg Bop” playing, there’s always a silly grin on my face.
Ramones Boy, by email

Illustrations by: Mikke Gallardo

Lonely strangers join Mile-high club

June 1, 2006
I was flying solo on my way to a beach vacation one time as all my friends went ahead of me. Surprisingly, it was a light flight as there were more empty seats than otherwise. Being alone, I started people-watching. An Asian-looking couple, who positioned themselves right into my view, was giving the most interesting show. They were getting pretty hot and heavy, even I was getting embarrassed for them. Suddenly, a cute girl sat one seat away from me. “I was next to the couple and I guess you could see the live show,” she explained sheepishly. Soon we were laughing and talking like good old friends. After one good laugh—she always covered her mouth whenever she laughed—her hand landed on my lap. We both fell silent and…let’s just say we joined the Asian couple in giving a hot and heavy show. Unfortunately, I never got to see her in the island, but what the hell. The plane ride was unbelievable.

Fly guy, by email

Stude proves women do fart

December 1, 2005

Coming home after school, I’d usually take a siesta before going to a café to study with my buddy.
That afternoon, I decided to spend my rest hour reviewing the FHM Jan-Feb issue. I read the fart feature and just thought to myself, “what a lame article!” It asked, “do women fart?” Of course they do. But it was only later at the café when I witnessed it first-hand. I was busy reading my neuroanatomy book when two middle aged women came in and sat next to our table. As I was sipping on my frappucino I heard this tremendous “fffrrrrttttt.” I knew it came from the lady seated behind me. Shocked as I was I feigned innocence. She must have noticed but she brushed it off. But I couldn’t contain my giggles my buddy had to ask what was wrong. I told him what I’d just witnessed and in a totally insensitive manner he blurted, “Kupal, buti na lang di nangamoy!” The lady overheard it alright, and in shame she walked out with her friend.

viel j., Cebu city
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Commuter bleaches bus curtains

December 1, 2005
I was riding the bus one time when I had this sudden urge to jack off. See, I had just experienced for the first time how it was like to chat in the sex channels on the Net. Since it was already 11PM, there were but a handful of us in the bus, five to be exact. What I did was sit at the back where I could not be seen and jacked off while the bus was cruising from Lawton to Harrison Plaza. Unfortunately, I packed a loadful that it shot all the way to the backrest of the seat in front of me. I had no way of wiping off the evidence so I thought, what the heck, the curtains would do. So I did. To wash my hands off the deed, I transferred to a different seat but then a batch of commuters hopped on. Two ladies sat on the exact seat where I masturbated. They commented, “Mare, amoy Zonrox ang kurtina...” an­d asked the conductor to remove the stained curtain. I grinned secretly at my handiwork. Two weeks later I rode the same bus, at about the same time, with the same driver and conductor. As I took my seat, the conductor followed me. After taking my fare he went to the driver’s seat, took something and went back to me and said, “Boss, tissue po, wala na kasi kaming kurtina, order ng MMDA. At saka next time po huwag naman po sana obvious masyado kasi nakakahiya sa ibang tao.”

ash crimson, by email

Moaning kid says wrong nameMoaning kid says wrong name

November 1, 2005
One night my friend and I decided to go out with our girlfriends. In the heat of the gimmick, my girlfriend couldn’t contain her horniness that she nonchalantly kissed me torridly on the lips. To my shock, she asked for sex outright. My friend and his girl must have gotten carried away by the scene we made that they agreed to trot off to a motel with us. So we hied off to the nearest motel and each made good with our heat. I’d have to say my girlfriend was truly excited, as she got rid of her dress and underwear in one fell swoop. I, in return, licked her pussy like a pro, for which she returned the favor with a great blowjob. The fucking had to follow. As I was at it, I unconsciously moaned the name Myles instead of hers. Upon hearing the name, she slapped me hard and left me for dead. I was bitin but I couldn’t help saying the name because crush na crush ko talaga si Myles Hernandez. I can’t get her out of my head!

Brian_tabing by email

Who's afraid of Americans?

October 30, 2006

I’m a white American male and I live in the Philippines with my Filipina wife. We just had our first baby and, of course, my wife needed help around the house, so we had my mother in-law stay with us. What was originally a short stay went for two weeks and that’s when I snapped. You see, my wife’s attitude changes when her mom is staying with us, which drives me crazy. I tried to ask my wife to get a yaya instead, but she didn’t agree, and so I was left with no choice but to bring out all the stops. One morning, while my wife and her mom were in the kitchen, I walked downstairs to do my morning rituals—only different thing was, I had no clothes on. Yes, I was butt-naked in front of my mother-in-law. The only thing she said was the Fiipino word: “Heesuuus!” And then she walked upstairs, packed her things and left. My was wife mad at first, but later on she thought it was so funny and she knew I loved her so much, so much that I would do anything to keep her all to myself.

King of the hill, by email


ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

Wanted: Receipts!

November 24, 2006

In college I had a girlfriend who was a working student, at a food chain in Megamall. Because our classes were held every morning she was stuck with the closing schedule, and being the good boyfriend that I was, I willingly fetched her every single night. One night, I was about to go to the mall to pick her up when I decided to grab a quick bite. I ate a plate of spaghetti not knowing that it was near-spoiled. When I arrived at the mall, my stomach started to crumble. I quickly went to the restroom and to my surprise there was no tissue in the cubicle. I quickly rummaged through my pockets for some coins for the tissue vending machine, but I couldn’t find any. I tried looking for a store with a comfort room in it but all the stores were closed! Shit! I didn’t know what to do! I even went to my girlfriend’s work place but I couldn’t find her. Seeing an ATM machine, I suddenly remembered that I had my girlfriend’s ATM card. I got as many receipts as I could get from that machine then headed again to the restroom. Yes, I used the receipts to wipe my ass. What can I say? I was in dire need!

NHIE, BY EMAIL

ILLUSTRATIONS BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

Designed for failure

February 1, 2007

We used to gather up and get wasted every weekend in high school. Each of us would usually bring a consort with them (except me). One time, after a few rounds of beer, my bud’s girlfriend came in with her own set of barkada. Then this girl with the long frizzy locks and colossal front panels sat beside me. Because she was a total hottie, my dong naturally turned stiff. I was still pretty naïve then so my naughty pals began teasing me, telling the girl that I’m still a virgin and that I don’t know how to go about the deed. To protect my punctured ego, I dared the girl to make out with me. She surprisingly agreed. We rush to a room and she began kissing me. It was so intense for me then that I banged her right away. I was desperately trying to hold it in but, after a few pumps, it was all over. I failed to satisfy her and she was so pissed. All she can say was, “Badtrip ka naman o...para kang pato!” The next day, as I entered the room, I realized that the word was out. They keep pointing at me and shouting, “ Waaa… andito na yung mayabang na pato!” That episode was a total disaster. Grrrr…

ONENG, CALOOCAN
ILLUSTRATION BY MIKKE GALLARDO

A brokeback moment

December 22, 2006

It’s been my habit to drop by our local market to buy some merienda before heading home from school. But on this particular day, as I was thinking of what to eat, a man approached me peddling some pirated DVDs. I thought about it for a moment then said, “Mayroon ho ba kayong bold?” “Ah, oo meron, kuya. Magaganda yung mga babae, saka ang babata,” the vendor assured. Convinced, I followed him to his stash of pirated videos and selected the one with the raunchiest cover sleeve. I split fast after paying, not bothering to test the purchase. I went straight to my room, locked the door, fired up the player, and took off all my clothes.

I was already touching myself when I noticed that the movie I bought had two men pleasuring each other. I shook it off, thinking it was only a trailer, but after five more minutes the action just got more intense. Kadiri! Then, horrors, my mother knocked, wondering why I was such in a hurry and why my door was locked. I told her I wanted to catch an interesting Discovery Channel episode. Suddenly, one of the gay fuckers let out a loud moan. Bothered, my mother came busting into my room. She saw it all: me butt-naked, holding my dick with gay porn on TV. She started crying hysterically. “Kalian ka pa naging bakla, hayop kang bata ka?! Sayang ang mga pangarap ko sa iyo!” The moral of the story: Never ever buy porn without trying it!

956, BY EMAIL
ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

Multi-tasker gets busted

June 26, 2007
It was nearing Election Day and we ran out of flyers for an uncle running for mayor. I was tasked to produce the shortage. With not much time left, I decided to print it myself using company resources. So while this brand-new super printer was doing its job, I surfed the Net for free porn downloads. More than one month of intense campaigning had deprived me of such simple pleasures. In no time I was lost in a sea of naked women flashing their juiciest bits.

And then to my absolute horror I saw face staring through the glass partition! I hadn’t noticed the curtains weren’t there. It was the office security guard doing his rounds. Not only had he caught me using company resources for personal use, but also downloading sleazy porn. I was forced to bribe my way out of the mess by burning disc after disc of porn downloads for the security guy. I hope blackmail wasn’t on his agenda!

SENDER: Porn official, by email
ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

The bus of shame

May 25, 2007

I frequently take the Lucena-Manila bus route, which takes about three to four hours. On long rides like this, I have this habit of emptying my pockets of everything—coins, cellphone and all—and putting them in my bag so I could sit comfortably and ride out the trip with minimal fuss. So there I was on such a trip, when the bus stopped at a way station so the passengers could relieve themselves. So I went. Walking back I saw my bus leave. What the fuck?! I tried to run after it but to no avail. Damn, I was in trouble—my phone, all my money was in my bag and I left in the bus! I sprang into action and looked for another bus from the same company as my ride, and going to the same route as mine.

I scrambled up to the driver and implored, “mama, kaya niyo bang habulin yung bus na yon, naiwanako nandun yung bag ko, wala akong ipapamasahe sa inyo.” The driver said no, there was no way he could catch up with the bus. I asked if they had a radio. He said no they didn’t, quite annoyingly. Right then I just found myself slumping on one of the chairs when I noticed a bag similar to mine down the aisle.

It took me almost a full minute to realize that it was indeed my bag, that the bus I thought had left me was in fact another bus, and I was exactly in my bus! I looked around me and could see the other passengers giving me curious looks. Well, I fucking ignored them. Bahala kayo, matutulog ako!

SENDER: DENNIS, by email
ILLUSTRATION: MIKKE GALLARDO

Potter-nerd loses sense of reality

August 26, 2007
I’m a Hogwarts student living in a muggle world. I’m from the mighty Gryfindor House and my best pals are the Weasley twins. See my Harry Potter addiction! My way of going to Hogwarts is through books and the movie. Anyway, let’s go back to reality. You can imagine the excitement I felt when I was among the horde that saw Order of the Phoenix on opening night. I got such a high that I was still in Potter mode when I got home and, apparently, when I woke up in the middle of the night with a bladder call. There I was, walking in a daze to the toilet when I espied two dark figures sneaking through the backdoor (turned out to be petty thieves).

When I saw them my immediate reaction was to grab whatever long thing I could find and shout at the top of my voice, “Expelarmus!” I don’t know who among us was shocked more but I was able to scare them off. It was my bad luck that the rest of the household had heard me scream. My mom and dad asked me what I was screaming. My brother answered for me. “Harry Potter spell niya yon. Akala niya si Lord Voldemort nasa bahay.” Now, everyone in the family throws Potter spells at me. Nakakahiya! I wish I had Harry’s invisibility cloak!!

Carlo Santiago, by email
ILLUSTRATION BY MIKKE GALLARDO

Colegialas: Dangerous

July 26, 2007
Doing pranks was a common thing when I was in high school. But to this day—six years past—there was one disgusting prank that none of us friends ever admitted pulling. See, my friends and I lived in proximity to each other so every day after class we would all take the same FX route on our way home. One day, there were six of us who got to ride the same the FX. The aircon was on full-blast. We were chatty kids and that was what we were doing until halfway to our destination someone farted. It was, as described by one of my barkada, the ipit kind of fart, which meant that the smell was worse than the usual fart.


Anyway, by the time the smell blanketed the cramped FX the only passengers left were my friends and I. Kids that we were, we couldn’t help but laugh at what was happening. That was until the driver shouted, “Mga gago rin kayo noh! Uutot-utot kayo tatawa pa. Para kayong di nag-aaral sa Catholic school! Mga walang modo!” But the thing is, not one of us did the ugly deed, as we learned when we met and had a heart-to-heart talk the next day. Our suspicion was the foul bomb was dropped by this colegiala who alighted before the whole thing happened. Needless to say, that was not the last we heard from the driver. After bellowing to us to open all the windows, he kept on mumbling and would not listen to our cries of “Para!” and deliberately would let us off meters away. But it was sure one hell of a laugh trip!

JINGGER, BY EMAIL
ILLUSTRATION: JOSEPH GIL CUSTODIO

She is a he!

September 29, 2007
Christmas 2004, I suspect one of the most horrible holidays for my cousins—but not for me! It was the most hilarious! Here’s how it went: we went to a club in Makati upon the insistence of one of my cousins, who said he had been there and it was tops. True enough, it was teeming with women and we were soon on the prowl for someone to take away. An hour later—most of us were by then bored in the car, only one cousin continued with the search—our man came back, “Jackpot ‘to !” he said. We were ready to believe him except there was something strange in the hooker’s name. “You can call me Cheetah!” So we went to a secluded parking lot somewhere in the Fort to partake of this luscious flesh among us. I was unlucky enough to have to wait it out while my two other cousins gave her a go (Cheetah said she could take them both, no problem). I could tell she was sucking them both to the nines, and the boys loved it. When I couldn’t take the anticipation any longer, I crept up on the threesome and took Cheetah from behind. I slid my hand up her smooth thighs, ready to finger her wet snatch. But her snatch felt bizarrely different. There was something in there. Then it hit me—she was a HE! I groped his balls and dick! I was shocked. “T*ng ina mo Cheetah! May etits ka!” I was furious. My two cousins froze in horror. We got rid of Cheetah as swiftly as we could, with no guilt or remorse whatsoever. We had just become the victims of the moonlighting babes of Makati Avenue! But while I did get a feel of Cheetah’s balls, his mouth didn’t end up around my dick so I’m still whole…unlike my cousins. A big HA HA HA to them! Till this Christmas!

Paolo, by email
Illustration by: Mikke Gallardo

Footprints give it away

January 25, 2008
Going home from school, my girlfriend said she wanted to stop by our house. Hearing that, a spirit in me awakened. While having a chat in the sala she said she had to pee, so I accompanied her to the restroom and jokingly said, “May I come, too?” She just smiled and gave me a tantalizing look. Since my father was not home and my mother was in the office I went inside the restroom, too. We were enjoying our second round when I suddenly heard my father’s motorcycle. Just as I was about to get out of the restroom, I heard my father’s voice just outside the restroom door. I had no choice but to jump off from the restroom window.

Good thing the grill was designed for fire exit and it was not locked! Pretending to be coming from the backyard I started calling my girlfriend’s name, who in turn had just flushed the toilet bowl. I asked her if she was done with her thing, loud enough to be heard by my dad, then accompanied her outside. When my girlfriend was gone my father called me to the restroom and pointed the wet footprints on the window jam. That was the time I heard my dad’s weirdest advice. He said, “Son, it’s not only in the sand that your foot can get printed.”

Mars, by email
ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

Man witnesses first rectal birth in transit!

October 25, 2007
I was riding shotgun in a PUV van going to Laguna when we encountered heavy traffic at the Bicutan exit. Suddenly, the woman behind me asked the driver to pull over a gas station because she had to go. But the traffic was too heavy the driver estimated it would take at least an hour before we reached he nearest gas station. After about five minutes, the woman said painfully, “I can’t do it here!” Another lady passenger advised her to just pee in a plastic bag. But everybody was shocked when she spilled the beans. “Nadudumi po ako.” Now that was something one shouldn’t hold in, especially in a cramped vehicle!

You could sense that everybody in the van wanted to laugh but was ashamed to do so. Then a man told her to just do the thing inside the van because there was no way we could go faster. Everyone was amazed when the discomfited woman actually did as she was told! All windows were opened because of the very foul smell of the poo. And then there was silence. Then I heard the woman ask her boyfriend—she was with her boyfriend, and he was silent all that time—to “embrace me, embrace me,” to which the man hesitantly obliged. When we finally stopped at a gas station, she immediately went to the toilet to wash up. Everyone was in stitches by then!

Eson, by email
Illustration by Mikke Gallardo

Beer Goggles Favor Gay Admirer

December 28, 2007
It was a high school reunion held at a batchmate’s house. Everybody was so excited to see each other. We talked and shared our present experiences while drinking our all-time-favorite—beer! We didn’t notice that we’d already consumed almost five cases. I was already inside the car at 3AM, about to go home, when I felt the need to pee, so I asked my friends to wait for me. I was so drunk I couldn’t walk straight and could hardly open my eyes. When I got to the comfort room, I saw a lovely girl. She made me feel so hot and horny that I grabbed her arms and kissed her from neck up to the lips.


I was so aroused that I hastily unlocked my zippers. I reach for her zippers, but was shocked when I felt a dick! It was too late when I realized that he was my gay batchmate who they say had a crush on me. I rushed back to my car. I couldn’t believe it happened! On my way home I kept on cursing myself for being too drunk!

Paul, by email
ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

Maid spoils master’s fantasies

February 24, 2008
When I was 17, we had a pretty maid who’d always wear miniskirts and see-through dresses. She was a year older than me, and my parents were taking care of her studies, too. There was a time when I came back from school and caught her sleeping on the couch sleep, her tiny blouse exposing her belly and a part of her breasts. Seeing this triggered me to go to the bathroom and jack myself off. I was about to come when I heard a noise coming from our living room. I ignored it and went on with my business.


A few seconds later the bathroom door swung open. It was her, and she caught me doing the dirty deed! Shocked and embarrassed at the same time, I grabbed the tissue holder as I held on to my dear life, and then it popped! The thing is, she saw me in blitz and never said a thing. She just smiled. I came out of the bathroom with my head down. “Kumusta naman?” she asked with a smirk. I was never able to look straight in her eyes again.

Bwieser, by email
ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

Paintball game gets out of hand

May 28, 2008


My cousins, friends and I had agreed to play paintball and capture it on video to make it look like a real war. Our team won the first round but lost the second round. So the third round was where the real war began, at the end of which we won. But unknown to us, the owner had confronted a person in the area, which resulted in a chase. My cousins ran to stop the owner from chasing the person, but after a while the person came back charging with a lot of “resbak,” one of them even holding a sumpak (a man-made gun). The owner suddenly went out with his own handgun and began pointing it at his adversaries. The person with the sumpak fired away. My cousin, who was at the back of the owner to stop him, suddenly ran back and moved to safety, afraid of being hit. When I looked behind, only my friend and I were outside the house. The worst part was, when the police arrived, the onlookers claimed that we were part of the conflict and were siding with the owner. We ended up in the police station to prove our innocence.

Aji, by email
ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

Train in vain!

March 27, 2008

This happened last summer on my way home to Laguna from school. To avoid traffic and get home early, I took the LRT. At the station, I saw this cute girl looking at me, so I also stared at her and told myself that I would ride in the same train as her to get her name and number. I saw her already waiting for the next train, and the moment I got my ticket the train started beeping, warning that doors would close soon. I was about three meters away from the nearest door when it started closing, so I threw my shoulder bag in between, thinking if it sensed an obstruction it would open again, and thus I could get in. Luckily, it did get stuck. Unluckily, the door didn’t open!

And I couldn’t take the bag off because the strap was hooked around my body. I couldn’t take it out! I almost fainted when the train started to move—I got dragged for more than two meters! The people inside the train started to look worried. Thank God the lady security guard whistled to make the train operator stop. Because of my embarrassment I waited for the next train. But that didn’t stop me from finding that cute girl again. After all it would be easier to introduce myself…as the guy who got stuck in the LRT door!

Lj, by email
ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

Top of the world!

August 27, 2008


My mates and I were drinking at a friend’s place—a three-storey house with no other people but ourselves. There were five of us, all guys. So when the alcohol-meter reached its peak, my friends and I got crazy and picked up two hookers from nearby. We did a first in our barkada history: an orgy! And so the five-on-two assault began. One of our friends, who reed thin, literally surprised all of us with his big bird! Not that we’re gay or anything, but the funny thing was, it might well be the fattest part of his body!

So the sex/laugh trip went on. And for some unexplained reason, my own “bird” did not get “angry” because of all the laughter that the situation had brought upon us! That was one of the most memorable experiences of our lives.

Team Hobart, by email
Illustration by: Mikke Gallardo

Rip it up and start again

July 28, 2008


One good thing about being part of the college paper is you can always hang out inside the office and do your homework before the class starts. There was this one time while I was solving my algebra assignment in the office when I felt the urge to “let one go.” In order to cover the odor before it reached the other side, I lit a match. Within a couple of minutes I heard one of the teachers asking if anyone else smelled smoke. So I decided to throw the match in the trash bin. The professors got tired walking around their office, checking wires and wastebaskets, frantically looking for the “fire.” And when they decided to check our office, I was caught sitting on the chair with my algebra assignment, not knowing the trash bin behind me was starting to smoke. They sent me to the dean’s office right away accusing me of smoking inside the campus, but all went well when I cleaned my name by admitting I just farted. Although, to this day, when they hear anything that sounds remotely like a body function, I’m always the primary suspect.

Cells, by email
Illustration by: Mikke Gallardo

How to raise a baby genius!

June 27, 2008


A few years back, I’d usually travel from my house in Cubao to my ex-girlfriend’s place in Bulacan during weekends. Tiring, but it always paid off since I always got the sexy time as my reward. We had to sneak to do the dirty deed, though, because her mom and two little stepbrothers were always home. One day, her mom asked us to take her two-year-old stepbrother out for a walk. Feeling hot for each other, I convinced her to go to an unoccupied house just beside theirs. We left his little brother to wander around. As for the both of us? We went to the comfort room and started to make out and cuddle. She was giving me a smooth head when her brother appeared from nowhere, staring at us, with no underwear and—lo and behold!—with a hard-on! We were shocked that we immediately put our clothes on and carried the toddler back to the house. Unfortunate for the kid, he won’t be able to remember all the fine things he had seen.
Or would he?

Squidman28, by email
Illustration by: Mikke Gallardo

Brother fairly

March 23, 2007
This happened a couple of years ago. I was young, impulsive and stupid. I went home early for my grandmother’s 70th birthday. Bored, I decided to change to my party clothes before watching a porn film. While rummaging through our laundry room to look for some newly washed clothes, I came upon my sister’s newly bought lingerie. Curious if I looked good on lingerie, I tried it and sashayed just like a ramp model would. As I was laughing my ass off, the unthinkable happened. I got horny and decided to whack off in my parent’s room. Holding a porn CD in one hand and my hardened self on the other, I head for the door. Damn!

To my surprise, my sister came home early to get some cash from my father’s drawer. She was surprised as I ran the hell back to my room. My sister followed me taunting, “Hoy, anung ginagawa mo? Bakit mo suot yan!? Bumigay ka na sa wakas ‘no!” With a trembling voice, I answered, “Nag-mo-model lang ako!” After the party, my grandmother approached me and told me—in a very concerned voice,—“Alam mo kung ayaw mo maging lalaki, ok lang, matatanggap namin yun. So, aminin mo na, bakla ka ba?” I said “no.” In the corner of my eye, I could see my sister smiling while washing her lingerie—without realizing that there were some free pubic hair and juice on it! Sweet revenge!

BOYSBE, BY EMAIL
ILLUSTRATION BY MIKKE GALLARDO

Rocker belts out pop

April 23, 2007
I once had this roommate who dubbed himself as the ultimate rocker. He despised all music genres that weren’t rock like ballads, RnB, and most especially pop music. Not wanting to tag him as a poser, I believed him but I always thought that his obsession was too overblown. One time, listening to the radio I came upon a station playing the sappy “Stop” by the defunct Spice Girls. My rocker roommate arrived as the song was about to hit the chorus hook. Then when it did, what did he do? He sang along! With powerful, performance level voice he sang, “Stop right now, thank you very much. I need somebody with a human touch,” complete with the sustained pa-cute of the last line. He even sang it with some requisite dance moves.


Then, after realizing his mistake, he sternly told me to change the station because according to him, the song was so baduy and corny. Well, I did change the station but at that moment I had seen and painfully heard enough to prove that his alleged rakista persona was just a huge pile of bullshit!

ROBERT RANCHEZ, BY EMAIL
ILLUSTRATION BY MIKKE GALLARDO

Surreal grandma

February 23, 2007

I went to the Makati branch of the Comelec to register as a voter last year. At the line, an elderly woman came up to me and asked, “Paano ba makakakuha ng number?” I told her she was too late; the Comelec guys gave out numbers in the morning. She shrugged and walked away. About 15 minutes later she was back at my side. She looked at me strangely and, to my absolute horror, took my right arm, embraced it, and started kissing it! I’m not bullshitting you guys—she was kissing my arm! Then she said, “Inaantok ako, gusto kong matulog kasama ka.” What?!! I don’t know if the lady was a freak but she spooked the hell out of me. I tried to push her away but I reserved a bit of respect for the lady even though she was out of control. Then a Comelec officer came for the lady. “Lola, ikaw na naman?! Kahapon, siningitan mo yung dalawang babae, tapos ni-reyp mo yung braso nya! Ang tindi mo lola!” Apparently maniac lola was a regular attraction in the area and I was one of her victims.

Dhan, by email
ILLUSTRATION: MIKKE GALLARDO

Dizzy boy gets obvious

April 26, 2008

Being a responsible student in the morning and call center agent at night, I seldom get to hang out and drink with my officemates, until one day when my schedule was open. After our shift we went straight to the gimik spot nearby and drank our lungs out. Being the show-off that I was, I never passed a shot even though I had no sleep for the past few days because of work and school. It was still fine until we had to bid each other goodbye. So we parted ways while I still had to take a van before I could reach home. I was so drunk and sleepy that I fell asleep automatically once I got seated. In the middle of the long trip home, I suddenly awoke and felt dizzy, and the next thing I know I was vomiting my insides out…inside the van, at the backseat! My fellow passengers rushed to make the van stop and got off immediately while I was soaking in mixed beer and pulutan mesh. I had to pay the driver additional P200 for the carwash and walked home with puke all over me! It really sucked!

Callecenterkid, by email
ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

Sir, doobie, sir!

June 1, 2006

I attended my last CAT bivouac in high school, as a high-ranked officer. Among the responsibilities I had was to oversee the younger cadets acting like the biggest asshole, making sure they were in their best behavior. While I was doing the midnight round, I heard funny sounds come from one of the tents. Obviously there weren’t supposed to be any funny sounds coming from anywhere—lights were out, people were supposed to be asleep. When I checked the tent, I found some cadets passing the doochie, puffing the dragon, and rolling some more spliffs. Movement ceased when they saw me. I knew they were deathly afraid, not only because they weren’t supposed to be up but because they were playing with things other than legal. But knowing what the good time was from any other good time, I crawled to I join them for a round of smokes. Undoubtedly that was classified information not even the commandant ever found out.

Puffy, by email