Top of the world!

My mates and I were drinking at a friend’s place—a three-storey house with no other people but ourselves. There were five of us, all guys. So when the alcohol-meter reached its peak, my friends and I got crazy and picked up two hookers from nearby. We did a first in our barkada history: an orgy! And so the five-on-two assault began. One of our friends, who reed thin, literally surprised all of us with his big bird! Not that we’re gay or anything, but the funny thing was, it might well be the fattest part of his body!So the sex/laugh trip went on. And for some unexplained reason, my own “bird” did not get “angry” because of all the laughter that the situation had brought upon us! That was one of the most memorable experiences of our lives.

Choir boy�s �mic� fails at sound check

It was the birthday of my sexy choir mate. I love being with her because she’s cute and cuddly. Plus, she always gives me a friendly hug! So I came to her place and we had a drinking session with her friends. We played naughty games—kissing games and the like. It so happened she lost a round and had to kiss me…torridly. I didn’t give a response because I felt shy. But when she held my hand secretly to her friends, I touched and caressed her back and nape, then pulled the strap of her bra. Midnight came and her friends had to go. We started kissing like there’s no tomorrow.I played with her breasts and gave her my very first suck. In spite of all this, my cock didn’t seem to respond. The most nerve-racking part was when she requested me to go inside her. Still my Pedro wouldn’t wake! She giving me another head proved useless. A hand job and still of no avail. “Itago mo na lang yan, ayaw nang tumayo eh,” she said after a number of failed attempts. She was so disappointed and I was so embarrassed. And to think it was supposed to be my first time!

Surreal grandma

I went to the Makati branch of the Comelec to register as a voter last year. At the line, an elderly woman came up to me and asked, “Paano ba makakakuha ng number?” I told her she was too late; the Comelec guys gave out numbers in the morning. She shrugged and walked away. About 15 minutes later she was back at my side. She looked at me strangely and, to my absolute horror, took my right arm, embraced it, and started kissing it! I’m not bullshitting you guys—she was kissing my arm! Then she said, “Inaantok ako, gusto kong matulog kasama ka.” What?!! I don’t know if the lady was a freak but she spooked the hell out of me. I tried to push her away but I reserved a bit of respect for the lady even though she was out of control. Then a Comelec officer came for the lady. “Lola, ikaw na naman?! Kahapon, siningitan mo yung dalawang babae, tapos ni-reyp mo yung braso nya! Ang tindi mo lola!” Apparently maniac lola was a regular attraction in the area and I was one of her victims. 

Loud Mouth

I was at a friend’s birthday party when I got pretty drunk and loud. Trying to mingle, a friend and I started talking to this group of girls. One of them a gorgeous half-Pinay, half-Indian honey that seemed to like flirting with us. Tipsy and unaware of the volume of my voice, I pulled my friend aside and told him, “Puwede na yang si Slumdog pare!” referring to the Indian lass and using the flick movie Slumdog Millionaire as code.

The girl heard me quite clearly and she screamed, “I heard you!” The party suddenly turned quiet, all eyes staring at me. Embarrassed and put on the spot I simply said, “No, I meant that as a compliment.” Needless to say, I dug myself into a far deeper hole.  

Team Jinx

I am a call center agent. After literally having beer for breakfast one day, most of my office mates decided to go home at around noon. Already tipsy and sleepy, I was about to hitch a ride back home with a colleague when he and our boss decided to stay at the bar for a round of flirting with the honeys. Left with no choice, I stayed and joined in another round of inuman—as the reluctant wingman of the group. Everything else changed when we talked to our targets. My stress and weariness just disappeared. But then, swigging just a few bottles of beer, the girls started talking nonsense. I knew right there that the hook-up would end a failure. Expectedly, the girls soon left. My officemate was so upset he tried his luck on other girls inside the bar, which didn’t work as well. It was around 4PM already so we decided to go home. While driving along Commonwealth Avenue, bad luck again struck us—my officemate’s car overheated and stopped in the middle of the killer highway at rush hour! Left without a choice again, I ended pushing his car—drunk! Horrible. I believe we were really designed for failure that day.

Going Mansanas

My friend and I were at a dinner party hosted by her aunt. There were a lot of people and the party was in full swing. Tita, visibly pleased at how great her party was going, signaled to the maid to bring out her special lechon for carving. She called the maid back, realizing the importance of the entrance of her special suckling pig to the success of her party.

She badgered the maid, “Wag kalimutan! Yung mansanas sa bibig! Mansanas sa bibig!” she was hell-bent on making this party perfect. True enough, the grand entrance of the roasted lechon was a sight to behold: piled high on a silver platter, proudly carried by the maid while the crisp, red apple was clenched between her jaws.  

Sylvester takes on tweety bird

Ever had a dream that felt so real? I have. 

It was during this one night I slept over at my girlfriend’s house. You see, I like sleeping in the nude. As I slept, I dreamt that I was having sex with her. In this dream, I was tied naked to the bed while she was dressed in a sexy bunny outfit complete with a fur-tipped whip. She sat on my thighs and began to rub the whip’s furry tip on the shaft of my penis. She then proceeded to lick my balls. I got so horny especially since I could actually feel the contact of her tongue on my balls. Just when the dream was getting good, I suddenly woke up.When I looked down, I saw my girlfriend’s cat resting comfortably on my thigh, sniffing my balls while my dick stood rock-hard. I quickly the cat off the bed then wiped my balls with disgust, while my girlfriend slept cluelessly. Instead of this being one of the best sex dreams I ever had, it ended up being the first time I was sexually molested by a cat.

Trainspotting

You can call me a two-timer. One night, I accompanied my ”back-up” girlfriend to Cubao. We took the MRT. There were no seats around so my “back-up” girlfriend wrapped her arms around my waist. Somewhere between the Ortigas and Shaw stations, I caught this familiar girl staring at me. Before I realized who she was, she shouted, “Sino yang kasama mo?” It was my girlfriend! But the plot was going to be more twisted than I had expected:There’s another set of arms wrapped around her! I blurted back, “Ano? Eh sino yang kasama mo?” “Ex ko lang yun; wag mo pansinin! Inggit lang sa iyo yun kasi mas maganda ka sa kanya,” I told my “back-up” girlfriend. My “girlfriend” yelled back, “Ex mo? Talaga? Excuse me!” She and her other boyfriend went down the train at the next station. As the door closed, she showed me her middle finger from the outside of the train. That’s the last time I ever saw her. After the incident, I swore I wouldn’t be a two-timer anymore.

Truly, madly, briefly

I had a spontaneous drinking session with a friend one time at his house. Since we drank late into the night, I decided to sleep over. The next day, my friend told me his classmates were coming over to work on a school project. So I borrowed clothes from him and took a shower while he went out to buy merienda. When I finished taking a bath, I realized he didn’t lend me underwear! I tried searching his room but couldn’t find where he kept his knickers so I decided to go commando under his basketball shorts. His classmates knocked earlier than expected . I opened the door and they started on their project on the floor. I joined them and helped them out, even talked and had a laugh with a couple of his cute friends. While sitting on the floor, I noticed one girl staring at you-know-where. When I looked down, I saw that the shorts I was wearing had a hole in it! I didn’t even try to analyze how much of my dick was showing when I stood up and went to the bathroom. I put on my pants and sneaked out the house. To this day I keep running the scene on loop in my head, trying to figure out who else might’ve seen my peeping penis.

When Shit Gits the Floor

I was busy doing office work when I felt an uncontrollable grumbling in my stomach. I was starting to feel goosebumps on my skin and sweated terribly, so I rushed to the comfort room. Fortunately, the coast was clear. I unbuckled my trousers, sat comfortably on the crapper and let it out. Relief was instant. But when I was about to complete my number 2 duties, the damn fire alarm broke at the most unfortunate time. Scared shitless of being roasted alive in the loo, I promptly stood up without bothering to flush and wash my bum, pulled up my pants and ran the hell out of the building, even leaving dribbles of shit behind me. Imagine my dismay when the admin officer declared that all the commotion was the fault of a stupid kid, who toyed with the alarm system. 

Colegialas: Dangerous

Doing pranks was a common thing when I was in high school. But to this day—six years past—there was one disgusting prank that none of us friends ever admitted pulling. See, my friends and I lived in proximity to each other so every day after class we would all take the same FX route on our way home. One day, there were six of us who got to ride the same the FX. The aircon was on full-blast. We were chatty kids and that was what we were doing until halfway to our destination someone farted. It was, as described by one of my barkada, the ipit kind of fart, which meant that the smell was worse Anyway, by the time the smell blanketed the cramped FX the only passengers left were my friends and I. Kids that we were, we couldn’t help but laugh at what was happening. That was until the driver shouted, “Mga gago rin kayo noh! Uutot-utot kayo tatawa pa. Para kayong di nag-aaral sa Catholic school! Mga walang modo!” But the thing is, not one of us did the ugly deed, as we learned when we met and had a heart-to-heart talk the next day. Our suspicion was the foul bomb was dropped by this colegiala who alighted before the whole thing happened. Needless to say, that was not the last we heard from the driver. After bellowing to us to open all the windows, he kept on mumbling and would not listen to our cries of “Para!” and deliberately would let us off meters away. But it was sure one hell of a laugh trip!

Alternative Native

June 1, 2006
On a trip to Baguio, our family stopped at the famous Lion's head at Kennon Road to take pictures. It was typical tourist stuff, so I decided to be different. My idea was, I would look for an Igorot and pose with him. I got my own camera and began scouting for an indigenous model. Soon enough, I found one-complete with weaved bags and long curly hair.

I called my brother so he could take a picture of us. I was explaining my plan to him when he looked at me, as though insulted. "Pare, mukha ba akong indigenous?" Turns out he was an artist on vacation as well-and as most artists go, he looked, uhm, "indigenous." Good thing he didn't have a temper!

- Leandro, by email
ILLUSTRATIONS BY: Mikke Gallardo

Mind Your Manners

July 31, 2006
In second year college, my schoolmates and I watched our annual university beauty pageant. We had seats near the stage and the view was perfect. In the talent portion, most of the girls did lame production numbers, so us boys got a bit bored. But then this girl suddenly came up. She was wearing a nun’s costume and appeared to be set to do another one of those stupid dramatic monologues. True enough, she began her stage drama shtick. But halfway through her act, she stripped her nun costume violently to reveals stripper’s clothing—tight strapless top, tight mini skirt and all. She also began to move like a stripper on stage! I lost myself at that moment and began standing up and hooting for the girl like I was in a dirty beer house. The best part was when her skirt accidentally (or deliberately?) got ripped, revealing her thongs and yummy butt-cheeks. All the boys in the audience cheered like crazed criminals. But I was the most insane of them all! Then the worst part happened: After her performance, she went to the row where I was sitting. I thought she would confront me, but she passed me and stopped, instead, by the lady beside me. The lady was her mother! And there was shouting near-obscenities at her daughter. What humiliation! You can bet any chance I had of courting her were doused that night.

Fency5, by email

Illustrations by: Mikke Gallardo

Punks Get Junked!

September 28, 2006
A friend and I are big fans of punk rock music and one of our favorite bands is The Ramones. One night, while we were cruising around the Malate area we decided to put to practice a Ramones’ song called “Blitzkrieg Bop” (we take this song to be about some filthy kids taking turns screwing a bitch in the backseat of a car). After a couple of beers we decided to pick up a hooker and drive her to a dark spot at the PICC Complex. Being the hospitable friend that I am, I let him go first while I wait for my turn outside the car. As I quietly sat on the pavement I saw three scooters approaching us. I initially thought they were just passing by, but I was dead wrong. They were coppers on scoots ready to round us. We (including the hooker) ended up at the police station.

Too bad for my friend and the hooker, they had to endure going behind bars while I was allowed to loiter while we were being booked (see, I’ve got connections). I remember my friend reasoning to a cop that they were doing nothing wrong, to which the cop replied, “Tarantado ka! Anong wala?! Kinakatok na kita ng flashlight, ayaw mo pang tumigil sa kababayo!” I knew we were in deep shit, but good thing my padrino showed up two hours later. He got us out clean. Since then, whenever I hear “Blitzkrieg Bop” playing, there’s always a silly grin on my face.
Ramones Boy, by email

Illustrations by: Mikke Gallardo

Lonely strangers join Mile-high club

June 1, 2006
I was flying solo on my way to a beach vacation one time as all my friends went ahead of me. Surprisingly, it was a light flight as there were more empty seats than otherwise. Being alone, I started people-watching. An Asian-looking couple, who positioned themselves right into my view, was giving the most interesting show. They were getting pretty hot and heavy, even I was getting embarrassed for them. Suddenly, a cute girl sat one seat away from me. “I was next to the couple and I guess you could see the live show,” she explained sheepishly. Soon we were laughing and talking like good old friends. After one good laugh—she always covered her mouth whenever she laughed—her hand landed on my lap. We both fell silent and…let’s just say we joined the Asian couple in giving a hot and heavy show. Unfortunately, I never got to see her in the island, but what the hell. The plane ride was unbelievable.

Fly guy, by email

Stude proves women do fart

December 1, 2005

Coming home after school, I’d usually take a siesta before going to a café to study with my buddy.
That afternoon, I decided to spend my rest hour reviewing the FHM Jan-Feb issue. I read the fart feature and just thought to myself, “what a lame article!” It asked, “do women fart?” Of course they do. But it was only later at the café when I witnessed it first-hand. I was busy reading my neuroanatomy book when two middle aged women came in and sat next to our table. As I was sipping on my frappucino I heard this tremendous “fffrrrrttttt.” I knew it came from the lady seated behind me. Shocked as I was I feigned innocence. She must have noticed but she brushed it off. But I couldn’t contain my giggles my buddy had to ask what was wrong. I told him what I’d just witnessed and in a totally insensitive manner he blurted, “Kupal, buti na lang di nangamoy!” The lady overheard it alright, and in shame she walked out with her friend.

viel j., Cebu city
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Commuter bleaches bus curtains

December 1, 2005
I was riding the bus one time when I had this sudden urge to jack off. See, I had just experienced for the first time how it was like to chat in the sex channels on the Net. Since it was already 11PM, there were but a handful of us in the bus, five to be exact. What I did was sit at the back where I could not be seen and jacked off while the bus was cruising from Lawton to Harrison Plaza. Unfortunately, I packed a loadful that it shot all the way to the backrest of the seat in front of me. I had no way of wiping off the evidence so I thought, what the heck, the curtains would do. So I did. To wash my hands off the deed, I transferred to a different seat but then a batch of commuters hopped on. Two ladies sat on the exact seat where I masturbated. They commented, “Mare, amoy Zonrox ang kurtina...” an­d asked the conductor to remove the stained curtain. I grinned secretly at my handiwork. Two weeks later I rode the same bus, at about the same time, with the same driver and conductor. As I took my seat, the conductor followed me. After taking my fare he went to the driver’s seat, took something and went back to me and said, “Boss, tissue po, wala na kasi kaming kurtina, order ng MMDA. At saka next time po huwag naman po sana obvious masyado kasi nakakahiya sa ibang tao.”

ash crimson, by email

Moaning kid says wrong nameMoaning kid says wrong name

November 1, 2005
One night my friend and I decided to go out with our girlfriends. In the heat of the gimmick, my girlfriend couldn’t contain her horniness that she nonchalantly kissed me torridly on the lips. To my shock, she asked for sex outright. My friend and his girl must have gotten carried away by the scene we made that they agreed to trot off to a motel with us. So we hied off to the nearest motel and each made good with our heat. I’d have to say my girlfriend was truly excited, as she got rid of her dress and underwear in one fell swoop. I, in return, licked her pussy like a pro, for which she returned the favor with a great blowjob. The fucking had to follow. As I was at it, I unconsciously moaned the name Myles instead of hers. Upon hearing the name, she slapped me hard and left me for dead. I was bitin but I couldn’t help saying the name because crush na crush ko talaga si Myles Hernandez. I can’t get her out of my head!

Brian_tabing by email

Who's afraid of Americans?

October 30, 2006

I’m a white American male and I live in the Philippines with my Filipina wife. We just had our first baby and, of course, my wife needed help around the house, so we had my mother in-law stay with us. What was originally a short stay went for two weeks and that’s when I snapped. You see, my wife’s attitude changes when her mom is staying with us, which drives me crazy. I tried to ask my wife to get a yaya instead, but she didn’t agree, and so I was left with no choice but to bring out all the stops. One morning, while my wife and her mom were in the kitchen, I walked downstairs to do my morning rituals—only different thing was, I had no clothes on. Yes, I was butt-naked in front of my mother-in-law. The only thing she said was the Fiipino word: “Heesuuus!” And then she walked upstairs, packed her things and left. My was wife mad at first, but later on she thought it was so funny and she knew I loved her so much, so much that I would do anything to keep her all to myself.

King of the hill, by email


ILLUSTRATION BY: MIKKE GALLARDO

Wanted: Receipts!

November 24, 2006

In college I had a girlfriend who was a working student, at a food chain in Megamall. Because our classes were held every morning she was stuck with the closing schedule, and being the good boyfriend that I was, I willingly fetched her every single night. One night, I was about to go to the mall to pick her up when I decided to grab a quick bite. I ate a plate of spaghetti not knowing that it was near-spoiled. When I arrived at the mall, my stomach started to crumble. I quickly went to the restroom and to my surprise there was no tissue in the cubicle. I quickly rummaged through my pockets for some coins for the tissue vending machine, but I couldn’t find any. I tried looking for a store with a comfort room in it but all the stores were closed! Shit! I didn’t know what to do! I even went to my girlfriend’s work place but I couldn’t find her. Seeing an ATM machine, I suddenly remembered that I had my girlfriend’s ATM card. I got as many receipts as I could get from that machine then headed again to the restroom. Yes, I used the receipts to wipe my ass. What can I say? I was in dire need!

NHIE, BY EMAIL

ILLUSTRATIONS BY: MIKKE GALLARDO