A couple was holding a dinner party for all the major status figures in their province. At the last minute, she realized she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she gave a bucket to her husband and asked him to run down to the beach to gather some snails. He took the bucket, walked out the door, and ran to the beach. As he was collecting snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. All of a sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right next to him. They talked and she invited him back to her place. At her apartment, they started messing around. It got him exhausted afterwards that he passed out there. At 7AM the next day, he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!” He put his clothes back on, grabbed the bucket, and ran out the door all the way to their house. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket. The snails were scattered all the way down the stairs. Just then the door opened, his very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he’d been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, looked at her, then looked back at the snails, and said, “Come on, guys! We’re almost there!”ILLUSTRATION BY: JAYSON CONFESOR
SENT IN BY ACE DIAMOND
The Armed Forces of the Philippines found it had too many generals and so offered an early retirement bonus: full annual benefits plus P100,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the the general’s body, with him getting to pick any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of P7.2 million. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for P9.6 million. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine general, was asked what to measure, he said, “From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.” The pension man suggested that the general might like to reconsider it, pointing out the nice checks the two generals had received. The Marine insisted, so the pension expert got the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer asked the general to drop his pants, placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and stopped. “My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?” The general replied, “One in Sulu and the other in Tawi-Tawi. Keep measuring!” The Armed Forces of the Philippines found it had too many generals and so offered an early retirement bonus: full annual benefits plus P100,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the the general’s body, with him getting to pick any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of P7.2 million. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for P9.6 million. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine general, was asked what to measure, he said, “From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.” The pension man suggested that the general might like to reconsider it, pointing out the nice checks the two generals had received. The Marine insisted, so the pension expert got the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer asked the general to drop his pants, placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and stopped. “My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?” The general replied, “One in Sulu and the other in Tawi-Tawi. Keep measuring!”
A man walks into his back yard one morning and finds a gorilla in a tree. He calls a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrives armed with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” he tells the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until it falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uhm, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.” “Got it,” replies the homeowner. “But what’s the shotgun for?” “If I fall down from the tree before the gorilla,” begins the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.A man walks into his back yard one morning and finds a gorilla in a tree. He calls a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrives armed with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” he tells the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until it falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uhm, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.” “Got it,” replies the homeowner. “But what’s the shotgun for?” “If I fall down from the tree before the gorilla,” begins the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman are having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.’” The second Catholic man chirps: “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace.’” The third Catholic gent says: “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, ‘Your Eminence.’” The fourth Catholic man then brags: “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him: ‘Your Holiness.’” Seeing that the lone Catholic woman was just sipping her coffee in silence throughout their conversation, the four men give her a subtle, “Well?” To which she proudly replies: “I have a daughter: slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24” waist and 34” hips. When she walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh My God.’”Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman are having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.’” The second Catholic man chirps: “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace.’” The third Catholic gent says: “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, ‘Your Eminence.’” The fourth Catholic man then brags: “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him: ‘Your Holiness.’” Seeing that the lone Catholic woman was just sipping her coffee in silence throughout their conversation, the four men give her a subtle, “Well?” To which she proudly replies: “I have a daughter: slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24” waist and 34” hips. When she walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh My God.’”
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks!” They enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It’s almost impossible not to step on them. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she’s ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment is to spend eternity chained to this man!” The next day, the second woman makes the same mistake and along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man.
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter. There were a few people waiting before her, so she strikes up a conversation with the cock-bearing saint. They were deep in discussion when suddenly she hears a blood-curdling scream. “What was that?” she asked. “Oh, don’t worry about that,” said St. Peter. “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, more terrible than the previous one. “What was that?” “Oh, don’t worry,” again said St. Peter soothingly. “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.” Upon hearing this, the lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” inquired St. Peter. “I think I’ll go downstairs,” answers the lady. “But you can’t go there. You’ll be raped and sodomized!” “It’s okay,” she notes. “I’ve already got the holes for that.”
I got pretty wasted at a drinking session with some schoolmates. I wasn’t too worried, though, because I knew my boyfriend (who was older than I was) would be picking me up that night to bring me home. Some time later, I remember being carried by two of my friends into the backseat of my boyfriend’s car. Finally, we pulled up in front of my house. When I heard him open the backdoor and felt his hands reach under me to carry me into the house, I surprised him by pulling him down on top of me and kissing him torridly. Next thing I knew, his hands were everywhere, and he was lifting my skirt up, pulling my panties to the side. We did it in the car, hard and fast. And then I fell asleep. When I was conscious again, he was laying me down on my bed.
Out on a blind date with a nice but otherwise kind of conservative guy, I happened to notice that one of the waiters at the restaurant was so pogi and incredibly hot looking . On my way to the ladies’ room, I ran into him. He bumped me slightly and smiled. I just kept my composure, went back to my table and spent the rest of dinner making eyes at him. After a couple of sangrias, I excused myself again from my date to go to the bathroom. The waiter came over and said that he’d been waiting for me. I held the bathroom door open and said, “Well, come in then.” We went inside and locked the door.
District Attorney: Would you please state your age to the court for the record?
A young man goes into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist, “Could you give me a condom? I’m going to my girlfriend’s house for dinner and I might get lucky!” The pharmacist gives him the condom, but as the young man is going out, he returns and says: “Give me another condom. My girlfriend’s sister is very cute ad she always crosses her legs provocatively when she sees me. I might get lucky with her, too.”
An old farmer decides to go to town and see a movie. He is about to pay for his ticket when the ticket agent asks, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?” “This is my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes,” answers the old farmer. “I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t allow animals in the theater.” Disappointed, the old farmer goes around the corner and stuffs Chuck down his overalls. He then returns to the booth, buys a ticket and enters the theater. He sits down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
It was a rainy evening in Boracay when my boyfriend and I decided to go bar-hopping. While walking along the beach, my boyfriend started fondling me. That turned me on but I stopped and told him to do it later. I asked him if we could swim, but he disagreed and said he’d just watch and wait for me at the shore. After a while I found myself running to the beach with just my bra and capri on, but before I got myself wet my boyfriend was shouting behind with just his briefs on! We were not quite far from the shore swimming when I pulled my boyfriend toward me and told him: “You’re turning me freaking on kanina pa. At mas lalo na ngayon dahil diyan sa suot mo.” He smiled back at me and started undressing me. In a minute we had the most exciting lovemaking in the middle of the sea with big heavy waves under the drizzling rain, until one big wave brought us apart near to the shoreline. After the challenging quickie he was asking me about his underwear. I said I didn’t know where they were because I was holding my clothes too. To my surprise, he stood up naked facing the shoreline looking for his lost underwear. By that time I came back to my senses I noticed the bar’s spotlight was facing the sea, making us visible to the shore area.
Fred goes to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor tells him that he can’t give him a double dose. “Why not?” asks Fred. “Because it’s not safe,” replies the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” argues Fred. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asks the doctor. “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relents saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there were any side effects.” On Monday, Fred drags himself in; his right arm in a sling. “What happened to you?” asks the doctor. Fred replies, “Nobody showed up.”
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarves that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of “good nights” she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarves rushed outside and began standing on each other’s shoulders beneath Snow White’s bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy’s turn to be on the top and, as he was the only one who could see in the window, it was his duty to inform the other dwarves what she was doing.
