Kinky Sex

By Mike Diez
(With excerpts from "Do You Dare?" by Grant Stoddard, Men's Health US)
Wardrobe Styling: Suzie Hardy/MS-Management, Hair and Makeup:
Su Han/MS-Management




Here in the Philippines, we hear most guys with unbelievable stories regarding their sexual romps. So unbelievable in fact that the over-the-top yarn-spinning has to be attributed to the 'lolo' syndrome. You know, the 'wala yan sa lolo ko…' syndrome. Machismo requires that we have to have the taller tale than the other guy. But somewhere in the quagmire of fantastic tales lie real stories. Stories like what we are about to tell you. "Filipinas are more open-minded nowadays," says Shirley Reyes, psychologist at the University of the Philippines-Philippine General Hospital (UP-PGH). "They are more mature when it comes to sex. You can see it in their lifestyle, in the way they dress. And you can hear them discuss openly topics that were once taboo."

Perhaps all the signs were there; we just didn't see them because, as mentioned, tall tales have blocked our better senses. Or perhaps, (dare we admit it?) we are intimidated by the mere thought of unconventional sex. According to Men's Health US writer Grant Stoddard, men are "simple creatures." "We know what we like, and like what we know," Stoddard adds. He writes that generally speaking, men are reluctant to replace good old-fashioned horizontal bop with a session that requires a trunkful of apparatus, significant prep time, and possibly a run to the drugstore.

If the word 'kinky' conjures images of the Gimp in Pulp Fiction, or nerdy cosplayers in a toy convention, here's a bit of advice: "Think of it as fun, more than kinky," says Sue Johanson, a sex educator and host of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson in the US.

BDSM
(Bondage, Domination, Submission, and Masochism)

Most Filipinas are still a bit apprehensive when it comes to trusting. "The thought of being tied up scares me," admits Ry, 26, film editor. "And the bit about roleplaying is a bit too absurd for me." Still, that doesn't stop couples from buying S&M stuff. "The costumes are some of our bestsellers," says Jamie Dy, owner of the Love Store (see sidebar). Dy admits that the costumes did not exactly fly off the shelves initially. Perhaps it is still true that Bondage and Domination scare off most people. But hey, we're not talking about fetishes here. So, do proceed with caution in employing these.

AT FIRST: During one of your typical romps, use your hands to restrain hers above her head. If she seems to like that (go ahead, ask), consider taking it further the next time around. Grab neckties, silk scarves, or a pair of stockings. Use gentle knots and give yourself access to all areas. Then resume what you were doing. Only slower.

Spanking can liven things up. "How hard one should spank depends on the person," says Emma Taylor, one half of the sex-writing duo Em and Lo (emandlo.com) and coauthor of Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette. "Always err on the side of reserve, and gradually build up to rudeness." Start with a light tap. If she laughs, laugh along with her. Consider a moan permission to continue.

CAMERAS & ACTION

Listen up, if you think it will be tough to introduce her to Bondage and Submission, videotaping will be doubly hard. Why, you ask? Have you heard about that latest video scandal? The one with the flavor-of-the-month starlet? 'Nuff said. Typically, most married couples have a better chance in getting their partners to agree with this one. "If you know each other well, and if you are comfortable with one another, there shouldn't be a problem with whatever suggestion you make," says Reyes.

Still, "to see what we look like in the heat of passion fulfills our deepest curiosity about something primal in our lives," says former porn star Candida Royalle.

AT FIRST: "Try foregoing the tape," says Royalle. She and her boyfriend did that after she retired from making porn. "We would hook the camera up directly to the TV," she says, "bypassing any videotape [or evidence], and be able to look over at ourselves in the heat of passion." Consider a safer still camera (digital or Polaroid), which is less intimidating to beginners. Certainly beats explaining what that new overhead mirror is for.

SEX TOYS

I know, I know. Who wants to share a bed with a dildo (aside from the female partner, of course)? But think about this, more often than not, no matter what sexual position you try, there is little clitoral stimulation in sexual acts, which women need to reach orgasm. Paying attention now? Good. Because she may be using a vibrator already when you're not around. "I have mine (vibrator) under lock and key in the drawer of my night table," says Emilia, 21, customer service rep. "I've been using it for a while even before I met my boyfriend and it's quite handy whenever he's not around." Now find a way to bring it up with her. Don't be insecure with a toy, now.

AT FIRST: You can start her nicely by giving her a variety of sexual toys along with lingerie and bath oils, as gifts. That would give her a hint that you're okay with the idea of using sexual aids. Visit www.adults.com.ph for some ideas. Encourage her then to try them out, and to bring her new toys along when she's ready.

EXHIBITIONISM

Now here's something most of us can relate with. There's something about the idea of getting caught in the act that drives our passions in frenzy. "It really wakes you up and focuses you on the sexual experience," explains Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations, a woman-owned and operated sex toy empire in the US. "It also harks back to the thrill of sexual experiences as teenagers, when we had so little privacy." Make sure you don't break any laws.

AT FIRST: If she's a prude, be subtle about it. Brush up against her, or press yourself against each other when you go out. Warm her up to it. "The thrill of being viewed has a lot to do with getting attention," says Queen. "For women, it's a sort of centering experience that makes them realize they have attrac-tiveness and erotic energy, even if they don't look like Lindsay Lohan."