Weighed down

A girl calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant’s weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first. “Oh, that won’t work,” replies the girl. “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt.”

Best friends with benefits

James is my best friend since college and we’ve been sharing an apartment since. He is cool and nice and we’ve had some steamy encounters together so let us say we’re best friends with benefits. Then I met Christian and we started dating. He is as cool and as wild as James. The three of us became inseparable. One time while watching porn Christian and I started making out in front of James and then James eventually joined us. For some time it became a regular thing between the three of us. Then came Marie, James’ new girlfriend who happened to be my batchmate in high school. The group eventually grew into a foursome and sometimes when the boys are out Marie and I experimented with each other. Now Marie and I are conspiring to have the boys experiment with each other, too! It’s great to have a relationship and friendship all in one package sharing one common passion—sex.

Bus ride to sweet heaven

To pass traffic time on the bus, my boyfriend and I exchanged jokes when he accidentally brushed me in a sensual way. With the touch of his hand, I was immediately turned on. I asked him to work his fingers in me. He started slow, but already I was moaning. When he reached from below, I was so wet and hot because it was the first time we’d done such a thing in public, on a bus!

As I was having my second orgasm, the conductor approached us and asked where we were headed. With one hand in my pussy, my boyfriend answered. He removed his other hand to grab his wallet and pay our fare. Noticing that the paper bills were sticky, the conductor said, “Biyaheng langit, ah!” He left us with a smirk on his face. 

Woot-woot!

The nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time this happens, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,”said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?” 

Older woman drives kid wild

I’m 26 but I always enjoy flirting with high school boys, as I know they can’t resist my charm and the thought of banging an “older” woman like myself. One time, I was waiting for my “friend” in a coffee shop in Katipunan. It was supposedly his 18th birthday so I promised to give him something special. He was really cute—mestizo, toned body for a boy, plus his uniform made him look yummier. He drove me to my house in Pasig and on the way there, I caressed his inner thigh, making his leg and everything else stiffen. Once we reached Libis, I pulled his zipper and bent down to suck his young, hard dick. I told him not to stop driving as I proceeded to lick his balls all the way up the length of his dick, as his right hand blindly pleasured my nipples. He moaned loudly and when he came in my mouth, I sat up to see that we were about to enter a drive-in motel! “Kaya mo pa ba?” I teased him. What followed were three incredibly unforgettable wild rounds. Not bad for my kid brother’s kabarkada. 

International Playgirl

I visited my partner who lived abroad, you might think I’m the ultra-liberal type because I have a foreigner boyfriend—but no, I consider myself shy when it comes to sex. But that all changed on my first evening in his turf. One night we were on our way to a restaurant for dinner, a good 30-minute drive from his place. But that night’s traffic was rather heavy. To pass time, my partner slyly suggested we do something. He then began to slowly run his hand up my knee, until he reached my silk panties. He pulled aside the thin piece of material that separated his fingers from my already swollen clitoris. Starting slowly, he then finger-fucked me faster and faster. All this time we were not moving and although I was very aroused I still noticed the strange looks we were getting from the other’s stuck on traffic (we were quite conspicuous—he drives a Hummer!).But the thought of being seen aroused me even more, so when my partner told me to take off my panties I did it eagerly. Both my feet were now on the seat with legs wide open, I remember thrusting and heaving my body to my partner’s continual deep-fingered penetrations until I couldn’t hold on any longer. With one foot now on the windscreen I screamed with passion as I came; I didn’t care if I could be seen or heard. A week later I repaid him on the way home, only this time using my mouth. 

Chick ends lad�s 20-year-drought

I managed to get close to a former schoolmate through texting. We’d exchange mushy stuff, but he would also send me nasty messages each time he got drunk—and that’s how I found out he was a 20-year-old virgin, or at least claimed he was. The thought of him being an ignoramus on sex made me hatch a plan to, well, pop his milk carton. One day, I insisted on hanging out at his apartment (he was alone). With the two of us locked up in his room, I sensed that he really was telling the truth about his virginity since he didn’t look to be making any first moves. I made a joke about pinching his dick and, sensing that he was getting the signal, gave him a lingering kiss. I went on top of him and asked if he wanted a blowjob. He said yes. I gave the best head I could for as long as I could. After it, he asked me—how cute when he said it!—“Ano na gagawin ko? Di ko alam gagawin ko…” What a virgin! Too bad I was on “red alert” status so we couldn’t go all the way. So as not to spoil his fun, I gave him yet another super blowjob. It took me only three minutes to pop his load on me. Later, he said it was the best birthday gift he had ever received—turned out it was his birthday the next day. We’re looking forward to the post-birthday nookie. 

She's Cuckoo

A woman went on a girls' night out, promising her husband she'd be home by midnight. The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she went home. Just as she got in the door, their clock started up and cuckooed three times. 

Realizing her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.

The next morning the husband asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem pissed at all, which made the wife think she got away clean. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted." 

Shock attack

I used to sneak inside my ex's house thrice a week for our extra "bonding" sessions. We did this for over a year and never got caught by her folks. That was until one time when we changed the time of my visits. I went to her house at 10am rather than 9p.m.. The thing was, after doing the deed in her room; we fell asleep.

I remember waking up to the sounds of keys unlocking the door. It was her mom! So we hurriedly put on our clothes before her mom could barge on us. She was shouting, demanding that her daughter open the door. My girlfriend tried to stall, saying that she was in the shower, naked. It was incredible that she put her clothes so fast just so she could stop the door from opening while I looked for a place to hide. Her mom eventually overpowered her and got in. She saw me going up the cabinet doors in my boxers.

It was an awful sight. All I could only say was, "Hi tita, good afternoon po!" That was the end of our relationship. 

Top of the world!

My mates and I were drinking at a friend’s place—a three-storey house with no other people but ourselves. There were five of us, all guys. So when the alcohol-meter reached its peak, my friends and I got crazy and picked up two hookers from nearby. We did a first in our barkada history: an orgy! And so the five-on-two assault began. One of our friends, who reed thin, literally surprised all of us with his big bird! Not that we’re gay or anything, but the funny thing was, it might well be the fattest part of his body!So the sex/laugh trip went on. And for some unexplained reason, my own “bird” did not get “angry” because of all the laughter that the situation had brought upon us! That was one of the most memorable experiences of our lives.

Trying to fit in

A man goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. At the counter, the female pharmacist asks him what his size is. The man is amazed that condoms come in sizes and answers, “I don’t know my size. Will you help me?” The woman asks the man to go at the back of the pharmacy in the sofa. The woman lies down on the sofa as the man, confused at the situation, takes off his shorts and inserts his penis in the woman’s pussy. “Size B,” the woman answers. “Okay, take it out. How many condoms would you like?” The man asks for two and goes home. Feeling ecstatic over what just happened, he tells the good news to his friend. His friend could not believe so he goes to the pharmacy to try it out himself.The friend tells the female pharmacist that he does not know what his size is, so she assists him to the back of the pharmacy and asks him to insert his penis in her pussy. “Size C, okay?” the woman says. “Now take it out.” The man refuses to take it out, and instead fucks the woman until he comes. The woman then asks, “Wait, wait, how many are you buying?” “I’m not buying one,” says the man. “I just came in for fitting.”

No escape

An 18-year-old girl went to see her mom to tell her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit. The test results show that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing and crying all at the same time, the mother ask, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, and a mature, distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her three stores, two townhouses, a beach villa, and a P1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a P1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, I will leave a factory and P500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage...” At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him: “You’ll sleep with her again!”

Choir boy�s �mic� fails at sound check

It was the birthday of my sexy choir mate. I love being with her because she’s cute and cuddly. Plus, she always gives me a friendly hug! So I came to her place and we had a drinking session with her friends. We played naughty games—kissing games and the like. It so happened she lost a round and had to kiss me…torridly. I didn’t give a response because I felt shy. But when she held my hand secretly to her friends, I touched and caressed her back and nape, then pulled the strap of her bra. Midnight came and her friends had to go. We started kissing like there’s no tomorrow.I played with her breasts and gave her my very first suck. In spite of all this, my cock didn’t seem to respond. The most nerve-racking part was when she requested me to go inside her. Still my Pedro wouldn’t wake! She giving me another head proved useless. A hand job and still of no avail. “Itago mo na lang yan, ayaw nang tumayo eh,” she said after a number of failed attempts. She was so disappointed and I was so embarrassed. And to think it was supposed to be my first time!

Surreal grandma

I went to the Makati branch of the Comelec to register as a voter last year. At the line, an elderly woman came up to me and asked, “Paano ba makakakuha ng number?” I told her she was too late; the Comelec guys gave out numbers in the morning. She shrugged and walked away. About 15 minutes later she was back at my side. She looked at me strangely and, to my absolute horror, took my right arm, embraced it, and started kissing it! I’m not bullshitting you guys—she was kissing my arm! Then she said, “Inaantok ako, gusto kong matulog kasama ka.” What?!! I don’t know if the lady was a freak but she spooked the hell out of me. I tried to push her away but I reserved a bit of respect for the lady even though she was out of control. Then a Comelec officer came for the lady. “Lola, ikaw na naman?! Kahapon, siningitan mo yung dalawang babae, tapos ni-reyp mo yung braso nya! Ang tindi mo lola!” Apparently maniac lola was a regular attraction in the area and I was one of her victims. 

Girl Does Homework With Lady Prof!

I’m a college teacher at a known university here in Bicol. I got close to a female student, who I’d jokingly call “bhaby,” and we often have a drinking session at my house. I’m married, but my husband was not around most of the time that he didn’t notice I was feeling something different toward my student. One time at school, during break, I began to feel horny toward my “bhaby” that I asked her to go home with me. I knew she had an idea of what I wanted to happen. So off we went to my house and drank shots of brandy. We soon lost control—I undressed her in our living room and kissed her breasts.We were so into the act that we didn’t notice my husband come home early. We were caught in the act, both totally naked! My husband was initially speechless, but next thing I knew he began to take off his clothes. I feared that he might do something violent, but none of that happened. Instead, my “bhaby,” my husband and I all had a happy ending. 

Dial m-e for o-r-g-y

At our high school reunion, my best friend and I were surprised to see that some guys from older batches still looked hot. Eventually, we found ourselves sharing tables with three of them. Since it was a Saturday night, we all decided to leave the reunion and go out instead. I knew at least one of them was into me because he kept on touching me. My best friend got so drunk she had to be driven home. When the guys asked me if I had to go home, I said I didn’t want to go home yet. I knew something wild was going to happen when one of the cute men dared me to kiss him. Naturally, I didn’t back away from the dare. I even went as far as kissing all three of them. We ended up in a motel in Sta. Mesa. That was my first orgy experience and it was so tiring! One of them, the guy who caught my best friend’s eye, even taught me how to do the right blow-job. After that, whenever they’re on a gimmick they’d always text me. 

Knock, knock

My boyfriend drove me home one Saturday night. When we arrived at our place it was really dark, the lights were out. My parents slept in the room nearest the main door, so knowing they were already sleeping I knocked and called out to them. They didn’t seem to be stirring and as I went on calling, my boyfriend started to play with my boobies. He squeezed and bit my nipples through my bra. He then slid his fingers inside my panties and started to play with my clit. It really turned me on, him finger-fucking me while sucking my nipples. It was really great! I couldn’t help moaning but I tried to control it so that my parents wouldn’t hear. I was still knocking on the door while the whole thing was going on. And just when I was about to come, the lights turned on and the door opened, my father standing before us. My boyfriend and I were so shocked! Seeing what we were doing my father suddenly grabbed his chest and began to moan himself. He had a heart attack! We rushed him to the hospital. I was so confused at that time. Thank God my father regained consciousness. We apologized while my parents decided to talk to my boyfriend’s family. We are now very busy, preparing for our wedding. 

Wipeout

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: “Use more soap on panties!” She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: “Use more soap on panties!” The laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: “I use plenty soap on panties!!! Use more paper on ass!!!” 

Office hottie ups one on Professional courtesy

This really hot officemate of mine was kind enough to accompany me to get a ride home after a night-out with friends. In my haste to catch the FX, I forgot to thank him, so early next morning, I went to his room to say thank you. While mumbling my thanks, I couldn’t help but notice how gorgeous he was in his Armani shirt. I also couldn’t help but notice that all the rooms beside his were still unlit and unoccupied. It was way too early for anyone to arrive. And then it happened. His hands were all over me; mine were all over him. Our lips met. His tongue felt so good. And when I groped my way inside his pants and felt his hard cock, I just had the urge to kneel and suck his manhood. It was so hard I could’ve sucked some more and would’ve welcomed it had he wanted to shoot his load in my mouth. He then guided me to the sofa, and he knelt and kissed my toes. He worked his way up my legs, and when his tongue circled my cunt, I was so wet. So I opened my legs even more. I wanted to go all the way, but people were starting to arrive. Obviously, my “thank you” got the most wonderful “welcome.”

Loud Mouth

I was at a friend’s birthday party when I got pretty drunk and loud. Trying to mingle, a friend and I started talking to this group of girls. One of them a gorgeous half-Pinay, half-Indian honey that seemed to like flirting with us. Tipsy and unaware of the volume of my voice, I pulled my friend aside and told him, “Puwede na yang si Slumdog pare!” referring to the Indian lass and using the flick movie Slumdog Millionaire as code.

The girl heard me quite clearly and she screamed, “I heard you!” The party suddenly turned quiet, all eyes staring at me. Embarrassed and put on the spot I simply said, “No, I meant that as a compliment.” Needless to say, I dug myself into a far deeper hole.